Adaptive Child: Term from Terrence Real’s relational life therapy. The Adaptive Child is a part of the personality that formed in response to early life experiences, particularly in the family of origin. This part developed survival strategies to cope with difficult or painful situations during childhood. These strategies might have been necessary and effective at the time, helping us to navigate a challenging environment. The Adaptive Child is an immature version of an adult that can be rigid, unforgiving, and impulsive, creating barriers to intimacy and connection, and many other problems as an adult.
Attachment: A reciprocal relationship between a child and their primary caregiver. In child development, it generally refers to the relationship that develops first between the infant/child and his primary caregiver (often Mother). The quality of this attachment impacts the child’s physical, emotional, psychological and cognitive development
Attachment figure: Refers to a primary caregiver, such as a parent, grandparent, or professional caregiver, to whom a child develops a strong emotional bond. This figure serves as a source of comfort and security for the child, providing a safe haven during times of stress or anxiety.
Attachment trauma: A form of relational trauma involving a severe disruption in the bond between a caregiver and their child. Although this disruption can manifest in different ways, it typically involves the absence of healthy amounts of nurture, care, and reliable caregiving. Overt causes of attachment trauma may include: When the caregiver is a source of fear, abuse, or neglect, death of a close family member (i.e., a primary caregiver or sibling), experiencing domestic violence within the home, a caregiver struggling with substance use or mental health issues, and absence of a caregiver due to divorce. Covert causes of attachment trauma may include: A general lack of affection from the caregiver toward their child the caregiver is physically or emotionally unavailable (for example, due to a severe physical or mental health condition), postpartum difficulties, such as postpartum depression, poor boundaries within the home, including parentification, and when a caregiver manipulates or attempts to control their child by withdrawing affection, using the silent treatment, or evoking shame and guilt. Symptoms of attachment trauma appear different in children and adults. Adults with a history of attachment trauma often experience cPTSD symptoms (see below) and their attachment style in adult relationships is largely impacted by unhealed attachment trauma.
Compassion: A concern for the wellbeing of others.
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD): A mental health condition that can develop if an individual experiences chronic (long-term) trauma. It can involve all the symptoms of PTSD, plus the following symptoms (may be present, not always present): disassociation, persistent difficulties sustaining relationships, distorted sense of self, somatic issues (gastrointestinal, chronic pain, headaches) feelings of worthlessness, difficulty trusting others, intense anger, fear and shame, among other symptoms. Examples of types of prolonged traumatic experiences that can lead to cPTSD include but are not limited to: Living or working in a war zone, genocide, having medical conditions that significantly impact our sense of safety and quality of life like cancer, heart conditions, etc., working in a job where trauma is repeatedly experienced, childhood emotional, growing up in a home where a parent was being abused in anyway, physical, and verbal abuse or neglect, being tortured or held captive, persistently being bullied, incest, living in impoverished conditions. (Looking for more information on the history of cPTSD?)
Dissociation: A mental process where a person temporarily disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, and surroundings as a protective mechanism to cope with overwhelming trauma, essentially “putting aside” the experience to avoid being overwhelmed by its intensity; it’s a way the brain shields itself from extreme stress, often manifesting as feeling numb or detached from reality.
Emotional Attunement: The matching of affect between infant and parent or caregiver to create emotional synchrony. The parent’s response can take the form of mirroring (e.g., returning an infant’s smile) or be cross-modal (e.g., a vocal response “uh oh” to the infant’s dropping cereal on the floor). Attunement communicates to the infant that the parent can understand and share the infant’s feelings.
Parents who behave in emotionally immature ways: Parents who have difficulty regulating their emotions, communicating, empathizing with their children. They may also have low self-awareness and be unable to take responsibility for their actions. Characteristics of emotionally immature parents include, but are not limited to: unpredictable behavior, discomfort with intimacy, rigidity.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): A mental health condition that’s caused by an extremely stressful or terrifying event — either being part of it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts about the event. Examples of traumas that can lead to PTSD include, but are not limited to (note that this also includes witnessing any of the following): car accidents, sexual assault, physical assault, natural disaster, being threatened with a weapon, mass shootings, bombings, fires, etc. (Looking for more information re: difference between PTSD and CPTSD?)
Family of origin: The family in which an individual was raised, which may or may not be the individual’s biological family.
Family roles: A concept central to Family Systems Theory, created by Dr. Murray Bowen in the 1950s. In family systems, each member has a unique role that contributes to the overall balance and harmony within the family. Individuals may take on multiple roles simultaneously depending on the situation at hand. In every family system, individuals often assume certain roles that help maintain the family’s equilibrium. A family’s equilibrium does not denote health but rather the normal homeostasis that has been mutually agreed upon. While these roles are natural, common, and often full of strength, they can become problematic when rigid and unchangeable. Common roles include the Identified Patient, Scapegoat/Troublemaker/Blacksheep, Mascot/Clown, Golden Child/Hero, the Enabler, the Lost Child, the Mediator/Peacekeeper, the Doer, the Caretaker, and the Martyr. Here is a helpful summary of the various roles.
Generational Trauma (Dr. Mariel Buqué definition): A complex wound or wounds that can be passed down through generations. These wounds can impact our minds, bodies, and spirits. Generational trauma can be caused by unhealthy family dynamics, systemic oppression, harmful cultural behaviors, or natural disasters.
Generational Trauma (APA definition): The transmission of trauma or its legacy, in the form of a psychological consequence of an injury or attack, poverty, and so forth, from the generation experiencing the trauma to subsequent generations. The transference of this effect is believed to be epigenetic—that is, the transmission affects the chemical marker for a gene rather than the gene itself. The trauma experienced by the older generation is translated into a genetic adaptation that can be passed on to successive generations. The trauma reactions vary by generation but often include shame, increased anxiety and guilt, a heightened sense of vulnerability and helplessness, low self-esteem, depression, suicidality, substance abuse, dissociation, hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, difficulty with relationships and attachment to others, difficulty in regulating aggression, and extreme reactivity to stress.
Mindfulness: The practice of being aware of one’s internal states and surroundings. Mindfulness can help people avoid destructive or automatic habits and responses by learning to observe their thoughts, emotions, and other present-moment experiences without judging or reacting to them. Mindfulness is used in several therapeutic interventions, including mindfulness-based cognitive behavior therapy, mindfulness-based stress reduction, and mindfulness meditation.
Monkey Mind: A state of mental restlessness & distraction, where thoughts jump from one to another like a monkey swinging through the trees. This is a Buddhist concept that describes the human mind as easily distracted and agitated.
Parentification: The distortion or lack of boundaries between and among family subsystems, such that children take on roles and responsibilities usually reserved for adults.
Patriarchy (Bell Hooks definition): A dangerous social disease, not restricted to men. Patriarchy is a “political-social system that insists that males are inherently dominating, superior to everything […] endowed with the right to dominate and rule” by means of mental and physical violence. It is a way of thinking that shapes the culture we are all socialized into. The essence of patriarchy is supremacy of the father figure, and its rules are based on blind obedience and the repression of emotions and non-conformist thoughts. Men receive greater rewards, but the system does emotional damage to both genders. It is upheld by men and women together; accordingly challenging patriarchy must be the shared responsibility of men and women.
Psychological Trauma: Any event or situation that causes an individual to experience horror or fear. Any event or situation that overwhelms the central nervous system. These events leave individuals stuck in a state of helplessness and terror, and results in a change in how one perceives danger. I highly recommend this 7 minute video by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk for more information on trauma and how it impacts our brains and bodies.
Scapegoating: The process of directing one’s anger, frustration, and aggression onto others and targeting them as the source of one’s problems and misfortunes. In a family system, “scapegoating” refers to the unhealthy dynamic where one family member is consistently blamed for the family’s problems, allowing other members to deflect responsibility for their own actions and maintain a positive self-image, essentially making that individual the “scapegoat” who bears the brunt of the family’s negativity and dysfunction.
Triangulation: A Family Systems Theory concept. The involvement of a child in parental conflict as a means to defuse tension within the interparental subsystem, and generally includes parents’ pressure on children to become involved as well as children’s self-directed attempts to intervene. Triangulation can also include involving other siblings, close family friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. The use of triangles has also been found in the work of Salvador Minuchin and the “rigid triad,” as well as Jay Haley. In a narcissistic family system, a parent might triangulate their children to maintain control, deflect attention away from their own issues, and create a dynamic where the children are constantly competing for the parent’s approval, essentially pitting them against each other, all while maintaining an illusion of family harmony; this dynamic can be particularly damaging to the children’s emotional well-being and sense of self-worth.
Wise Action: Taking thoughtful, considerate actions that are based on good judgment, understanding the potential consequences, and aiming to minimize harm and suffering while maximizing positive outcomes for oneself and others, often incorporating ethical considerations and mindful awareness into decision-making; essentially, doing the “right thing” in a given situation with a deep understanding of the context.
Wise Adult: Term from Terrence Real’s relational life therapy. The present, mature, and thoughtful part of your personality that can respond to situations with calm and reasoned judgment, rather than knee-jerk reactions. Unlike the Adaptive Child, the Wise Adult operates from a place of self-awareness and conscious choice.
Shame: A painful feeling of believing you are flawed and unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.