Parent blaming is a popular new term that has largely come up in response to children who have made decisions to go “no contact” with their parents for a variety of reasons, or who are publicly discussing (on social media) their difficult experiences growing up. Parent blaming is the act of blaming parents for their children’s problems or behaviors, or their adult children’s problems or behaviors, without looking at circumstances in a larger context. Essentially blaming parents without considering their parent’s own lived experiences with their own parents, trauma, generational trauma, etc. without taking responsibility for their their own healing and behaviors.
Dr. Gabor Mate speaks beautifully on this topic, and the issues associated with parent blaming, in this clip (super brief, 10 min).
An example of parent blaming could look like someone making a social media post venting about abuse they experienced growing up without:
- discussing (or simply acknowledging) understanding of their parent’s lived experience and how this may have contributed their parents behaviors.
- (even if their parents behaviors towards them contributed to the development of harmful behaviors towards themselves or others think substance use, disordered eating, violence, relationship problems, etc) taking responsibility for doing the individual healing work necessary to disrupt these harm behaviors. We simply cannot stay in the “problem.” As adults, and especially as parents, we have a responsibility to move towards the solution.
Statements like “My parents did this to me and this is why I do__________________ or I have _______________ problem” is not enough. We need to move towards, “My parents did this to me. I understand and even have compassion for why they did this to me. This doesn’t make what I experienced okay, it doesn’t excuse their behaviors, and I acknowledge and accept I was harmed. This harm resulted in suffering which includes behaviors and beliefs in myself and others that have caused pain and suffering. It is now my responsibility, as an adult, to do the work to heal so I don’t continue to harm myself and others, especially my children.”
This is not an easy task, and many folks start with “My parents did this to me and this is why I do__________________ or I have _______________ problem.” That’s okay, and we need to have compassion for ourselves at this starting point. We have to start somewhere, and sometimes this looks like just looking at pain with a narrow lens. Moving past this initial stage must involve letting others into our world and our experiences. We can’t heal in isolation. Having honest & vulnerable conversations with our loved ones, trusted friends, therapists, medical providers, etc. about our experiences growing up because we are trying to understand our pain, our behaviors, etc. is not parent blaming.
Parent blaming is a very controversial topic. There is a substantial group of parents, experienced therapists, and psychologists who strongly believe that social media is to blame for the fact that so many adult children and choosing to limit contact or cutoff contact from their parents. They believe that social media is to blame for the increase in terms like toxic family, narcissistic abuse, and emotional immaturity. From this Psychology Today article:
“But in watching videos under the hashtag #ToxicFamily (two billion views) or the various trauma labels on TikTok, one finds that most of the discussion is not about egregious behavior or mistreatment. It concerns unwanted advice, parental rules, value differences, setting boundaries, unmet expectations, and other complaints, disappointments, and frustrations.”
As promised, I am not here to create divisions. I truly understand and have compassion for both sides, and I do not see this as a black and white issue. It is incredibly complicated. One group isn’t bad, and one group isn’t good.
Here is the reality (lots of both/ands in this statement):
- Our parents were very imperfect, and many of them behaved in abusive ways towards themselves, and towards us. Many of our parents were and behave in emotionally immature ways. The ramifications of what our parents did or didn’t do can have massive impacts on our lives as adults. How much impact is contingent on a variety of factors. Again, I cannot recommend this clip by Dr. Gabor Mate enough.
- AND our parents are fundamentally good people. Many did so much right. They loved us and continue love us. Many of them worked incredibly hard to raise us. Parenting is so incredibly hard, and there is so much pressure on parents in our society – our parents felt this. Many of them sacrificed so much so we could have things they never were able to have, and experience things they never experienced. I also truly believe that many of them tried their best to not repeat some patterns. For example, committing to never physically abuse their child, but not understanding the ways in which they were emotionally abusing their child. AND there is never an excuse or justification for abuse of any kind.
- AND I believe there is great value in finding compassion and empathy for why our parents did what they did. Many of our parents are simply repeating what they experienced. Their parents did these things to them. And their grandparents did the same things to their parents. Generational trauma. Our parents did the best they could with what they knew, the tools they had, and the models they grew up with. Some of our parents were under incredible amounts of stress, especially if they were single parents. In doing this work, we begin to understand that our parents behaviors had nothing to do with us. It wasn’t personal. It had everything to do with their own wounding. AND there is never an excuse or justification for abuse of any kind.
- AND it is our responsibility as adults to take an honest look at how we were negatively impacted by things our parents did or didn’t do or we will repeat the same patterns in ourselves in our partnerships, and with our children. When we recognize patterns or behaviors (or our partners or children recognize for us) in ourselves that are causing problems in our personal lives, it is our responsibility to look within, identify the root, and get to work. Getting defensive or simply turning a blind eye simply perpetuates the cycle. Simply blaming our parents perpetuates the cycle because it doesn’t heal. The same cycle that caused us so much pain, caused our parents & grandparents so much pain.
- Our responsibility is to revisit (always recommend doing this with a trained therapist) some of these very dark times and experiences involving our parents, process the deep pain, anger, sadness, and grief we feel once we take a really hard and honest look at the pain we experienced as children and adolescents. When we truly look at how we have shaped our lives around the deeply held beliefs we had about ourselves. When we really understand what was behind significant life decisions we made. We have to move towards these really difficult emotions and truths in order to heal. We can’t push them away, we can’t overwork them away, we can’t drink them away. In many ways, it is a true grieving process.
- And then we make a decision about what kind of relationship we want to have with our parents. Many of our parents have done some heroic healing in the time since we are children. This is such a beautiful thing, and takes so much courage – the healing I have seen in these kind of situations is absolutely incredible. The hard reality is this: there are many parents who are not able acknowledge the pain they caused (for so many different reasons) and remain deeply dug in making statements like “well you were a difficult child” or “you were an ungrateful child and still are” or when an adult child tries to communicate a healthy boundary, stating “I don’t know who you are anymore.” Some parents still engage in abusive tactics with their adult children. Some parents still pit siblings against siblings or set bombs off in the extended family, watch the disaster unfold, and then claim they don’t know what happened. Or they find a way to blame us. These behaviors are usually not physically abusive, but more emotional, verbal, and emotionally immature in nature. These behaviors & patterns are usually occurring subconsciously. All this is to say, there are a lot of factors that play into whether or not a relationship with adult parents is possible. Each situation is so unique. Situations are fluid. No contact is usually employed, and supported my most therapists I know and respect, only when all other options have been tried and failed. Often no contact is not permanent, it is temporary. I always encourage my patients, when communicating they are going no contact, to clearly state the period of time they need to go no contact vs. leaving it open ended, which I see as cruel and unnecessary. Having to cutoff contact from your parents, especially when you become a parent yourself, is so incredibly painful. No one wants this, but sometimes is the most loving & healthy solution for all involved.