Ch.3: Radical Acceptance Pt. 2 – The Sacred Pause.

“Through the sacred art of pausing, we develop the capacity to stop hiding, stop running away from our experience.” – Tara Brach

Before I get into the meat of this post, I want to take a moment to note some changes I am making as a result of some incredibly honest & helpful comments readers have made over the past week, and after some self introspection.

• Moving forward, I am going to do my best to avoid using terms like “left and right”, “Republican and Democrat”, “Trump supporters”, “conservative and liberal.” This challenges me (and readers) to think about people & situations as humans vs. an arm of a political party or as a label.
• If referencing a policy, executive order, or memo, I am going to simply note the facts. I am going to do this by taking information directly from the White House Presidential Actions website, or other sources that list legislation without an unnecessary narrative or bias.
• If I have to use a news resource for part of a blog post, I am going to do my best to use sources that are unbiased. It’s pretty darn hard to find totally unbiased news sources. In speaking with folks who are much more experienced in the political arena, many have suggested the Associated Press and the Wall Street Journal. If you have other suggestions about unbiased news sources, I would welcome these.
• I am regularly updating free resources I have created for all readers; you can view the index of resources here. If you have requests for additional resources, would like to write a blog post, have ideas about future posts, or if you have books, art, music, podcasts, etc. you would like me to highlight, please email me at [email protected].

The Sacred Pause

On January 27th, the U.S. Office of Management and Budget (OMB) released a Memo (M-25-13) for U.S. Heads of Executive Departments and Agencies with the following subject line: Temporary Pause of Agency Grant, Loan, and Other Financial Assistance Programs.

Across the country, many individuals – especially those who rely on the programs impacted or even potentially impacted by this action -and those employed by programs that administer these important services – very understandably went into panic, confusion, insecurity, anger, and fear. The word chaos could be seen in most media coverage of this Memo. The language in the Memo was and continues to be vague and broad, leaving many unanswered questions. Without specific guidance or language, and without specific timelines, folks feared (and continue to fear) they may lose health coverage, housing, food assistance, among many other critical government supports.

Within 24 hours of this memo going out, a federal judge temporarily blocked the administration’s actions until February 3. This means that federal funds should continue to flow until then.

Even after the federal judge issued this block, on January 29th the White House Press Secretary posted the following message on X:

Holy smokes. How many people remain confused and incredibly unclear on what is going to happen, who will be impacted, and timeframes for these proposed actions? In the future, how do we navigate 24 hour periods like this? I don’t know about you, but the approach I took this week (doom scrolling, venting to my husband & vice versa, monkey mind in full force, hours on various news apps, staying glued for the next update, forgetting to eat and drink, going to bed way too late, and being distracted around my children) didn’t work so well and I didn’t feel great about it.

Cue “the Power of the Pause”, a critical first step and practice in Radical Acceptance.

Brach opens Chapter 3 with the powerful example of U.S. Air Force pilots in the 1950’s tasked with figuring out how to fly at higher altitudes – and staying alive. Essentially, if a pilot tried and failed at this exercise, the consequence was death. Over and over, pilots desperately tried to figure out this seemingly impossible task, and were failing – and dying. These pilots – in terror and panic – were trying desperately to manipulate controls while the plane was shaking, jerking, and descending violently from the never before experienced high altitudes. Can you imagine the shock and desperation these pilots were in? Then one of these brave souls, Chuck Yeager, figured out a solution. Chuck essentially surrendered to the chaos going on in the plane, stopped trying to figure things out, left the controls alone, sat back, allowed himself to be tossed around in the plane, and was knocked out. As his plane sprinted back to earth’s surface, he eventually came to as he re-entered altitudes conducive to human life, steadied the plane, and safely landed.

Obviously this is a pretty dramatic example, however Chuck Yeager’s approach is one I am confident we have all taken at one time or another in our lives. Have you ever a situation that felt out of control, chaotic, unpredictable, even scary at times, and out of pure exhaustion, or simply trying solution after solution only to have nothing work, you just let go? You cease obsessing, rationalizing, trying to fix, adjusting, bending, grasping, ruminating about all the negative outcomes, or the unfairness of everything. You stop fighting the external and internal battle. You are simply out of options. These are some of the most heartbreaking moments of our lives. And the most defining. When we finally accept the bare truth, intense pain sets in, and we have no choice but to sit with it. This is what we have been fighting. And this is when life falls into place. Usually not how we expected, not in the timeline we hoped for, and almost always not in the ways we wanted. This is when we experience an inner peace and quiet that expands our hearts and minds enough to see situations with a different perspective; options and choices we didn’t see before come into clear view. We are split open.

Brach makes two important points in this section. A pause is time limited. A pause doesn’t mean we give up entirely, or put our heads in the sand on a permanent basis. There are going to be times when a pause isn’t appropriate. Brach uses the example of a child running into the street. Obviously we wouldn’t pause if we witnessed this occurring. She cites some other situations in which a pause doesn’t make sense or may cause harm. Discernment is required as when a pause may be beneficial, and how we implement a pause vs. avoiding, repressing, etc.

“Taking our hands off the controls & pausing is an opportunity to clearly see the wants and fears that are driving us. During the moments of a pause, we become conscious of how the feeling that something is missing or wrong keeps us leaning into the future, on our way to somewhere else. This gives us a fundamental choice in how to respond: We can continue our futile attempts at managing our experience, or we can meet our vulnerability with the wisdom of Radical Acceptance” (Brach p.49)

As humans, it seems counterintuitive to take our hands off the controls when things seem like they are out of control, or if there are whispers of danger ahead. Taking our hands off the controls also “seems to run counter to our basic or instinctual ways of getting what we want” (Brach p.49) or working for the outcome we had wanted, worked hard for, or that seems fair or just. Thinking about this from a trauma lens, when we feel threatened, it is natural to go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response so as to ensure our safety. Going into the fight, flight, freeze, or fawning response is a subconscious process. It is primal. We are rarely aware of what we are doing in the moment; that we perceive a threat and unconsciously are reverting back to a behavior that makes us feel safe. Pausing is not freezing, because before we pause we have full awareness and understanding of what is happening around us, in our bodies & minds (applying radical acceptance), and then we make a conscious (vs. unconscious decision) to take our hands off the controls or to wait a bit until, and then take our hands off the controls.

“Through the sacred art of pausing we develop the capacity to stop hiding, to stop running away from our experience . . . We begin to trust in our natural intelligence, in our naturally wise heart, in our capacity to open to whatever arises” (Brach p. 50).

We will have many more 24 hour periods like we experienced this week. It isn’t an “if”, it’s a “when.” This is our reality. Let us radically accept this. When another period of time like we experienced this week occurs, I encourage all of us to pause. Gently and compassionately notice the human urge to manage or control, including our sincere desire to protect others. Notice your physical body. Breathe. Allow the sadness or fear to be there. Don’t fight it. Welcome it. Allow it to pass through you. Nurture. Notice the constant narrative in our mind. Gently ask it to quiet. Stop looking at the news. Don’t react or respond. Stop looking at the phone. Stop everything. Breathe. Go outside. Get in nature. Pray. Go play with your children. Do a puzzle. Take a bath. Read a poem. Whatever you do, take your hands off the controls. Stop hiding. Stop running. Trust that WE ALL have the capacity to weather these uncertain and for many of us – scary – times. Pausing is not giving up. It’s not turning a blind eye. It’s not approving of behaviors and actions that are at odds with our personal values and beliefs. It is an intelligent, mindful, and purposeful decision to take our hands off the controls and regroup.

Let us trust that intelligent solutions and clarity always come if we pause and open our hearts.

Questions for introspection:

• Growing up, did you have a parent that regularly but unpredictably threatened to take things away (especially things that provided a sense of safety or security), or invoke punishments for reasons that were unclear or confusing to you? In this example, it doesn’t matter if the threat or punishment actually ended up occurring. If yes, do you remember how this impacted you as a child or adolescent? Did you feel paralysis, anger, loneliness, fear, desperation or hopelessness? Did you ever admit to doing something wrong that you actually didn’t do to get the threat to go away? Did you often feel like you were “walking on eggshells”, were “waiting for the other shoe to drop”, or like “something bad was about to happen” i.e. an “impending sense of doom?” When you finally got things you very much wanted or had worked hard for, was there a lingering fear that the “rug would be pulled out from under you” from the parent that frequently made threats? Did you tend to try to do things perfectly at school, in sports, or at home to avoid these kind of threats? Did you respond by rebelling against the parents? Getting angry? Withdrawing? After these kind of threats were made by a parent, did the parent ever apologize or admit they made a mistake? Was it ever discussed, or was the pattern of threats simply “brushed under the rug?” Do you have any idea if your parents grew up in a home where threats were commonly used? How do you think growing up in an environment like this has impacted you as an adult? Do you ever feel like things you have worked hard for could be taken from you at any moment? Do you ever feel driven to do things or perform perfectly so as to avoid a threat that is not there anymore?
• Growing up, were you ever involved in an activity or sport in which you had a leader or coach who regularly but unpredictably threatened to take things away (especially things that provided a sense of safety or security or the very reasons why you were engaging in the activity or sport like playing time, certain positions, fun aspects of a particular activity), or invoke punishments for reasons that were unclear or confusing to you? In this example, it doesn’t matter if the threat or punishment actually ended up occurring. If yes, do you remember how this impacted you as a child or adolescent? You can apply some of the other questions posed above if helpful.
• As an adult, have you ever worked for an employer who regularly but unpredictably threatened to take things away (threat of actual job loss, removal of workplace flexibilities, hour reduction, layoffs, benefits reduction or elimination, wage reduction, responsibilities or tasks you enjoy and are good at) for reasons that were unclear or confusing to you? In this example, it doesn’t matter if the threat or punishment actually ended up occurring. If yes, do you remember how this impacted your performance on the job? Did you ever dread going to work? Did it lead to anxiety, physical tension, sleep issues, or increases in behaviors like substance use? Did it surface an anger or resentment? Did you ever feel like the rug could get pulled from you at any moment? Waiting for the other shoe to drop? Did you ever overwork or try to do your job perfectly so as to avoid punishment? Did you feel comfortable being yourself or did you feel guarded? How did this impact your trust of leadership or your colleagues?
• When is a time in your life when you experienced something frightening, overwhelming, and highly stressful and you kept trying to control the situation – only to realize at some point nothing was working and you had to let go? What did it feel – in our body and mind- like in that moment you surrendered? What happened after this?
• Am I able to compassionately understand why individuals from all backgrounds may have been scared, anxious, or angry about the possible implications of the OMB Memo M-25-13? Am I able to compassionately understand why the way in which the OMB Memo was released created unnecessary chaos and confusion for people? How do I frame government assistance in my mind? How do I speak (publicly and internally) about individuals who receive government assistance? Do I ever find myself using terms like “government handouts” or “freeloaders”, “leech”, etc? Do I know anyone in my personal or professional life who is receiving government assistance of some kind? Do I know of any individuals who, in their professional lives, work to administer these government programs and funds which may be impacted?
• In your home growing up, did your parents or attachment figures receive any government assistance? How was this discussed in your family? How did your parents discuss government assistance or individuals who received government assistance?
• During this 24 hour period during the OMB Memo M-25-13 release did I find myself, in anger, speaking harshly about the individuals who made the decision to release the Memo? What kind of words or labels was I using? Did I vent by posting on social media? Did I participate in the spreading of fear or “worst case scenarios?”
• During this 24 hour period during the OMB Memo M-25-13 did I consciously reach out to individuals who may be impacted by simply checking in on them?
• During this 24 hour period did I apply radical acceptance in anyway? Was I pausing, noticing my physical body sensations, identifying my emotions, dropping narratives, breathing, nurture myself, consciously apply compassion towards myself and all others? Did I mindfully use media?
• If I didn’t do these things, am I beating myself up about it, or am I practicing radical acceptance by applying self compassion? If I didn’t do these things, can I take a moment to visualize what I was experiencing in this 24 hours period like I was watching someone in a movie? How would I have appeared on screen? Did I look distracted, tense, anxious, fearful? Was I avoiding? Staying busy? How do I feel towards this person I am seeing on a movie screen? Do I feel compassion for them? Can I sense their emotions?

FOR HEALING THIS WEEK

Currently listening to: Homesick by Noah Kahan & Sam Fender

Still reading: The Will To Change: Men. Masculinity and Love by Bell Hooks

Art I am loving: The Return of the Prodigal Son by Rembrandt

Self nurturing activity: burning piñon incense

Bipartisan resource of the week: https://www.businessinsider.com/nine-famous-political-friendships-transcend-party-lines-2018-11

Historical political quote of the week: “If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the awful roar of its many waters. This struggle may be a moral one; or it may be a physical one; or it may be both moral and physical; but it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will.” – Frederick Douglas

As I write this post, we are 24 hours out from the tragic plane crash in Washington, D.C. I am holding all the individuals who perished, their families & friends, and all the first responders attending to this scene, in my heart. I cannot imagine the disbelief, deep pain, loss, and sadness so many are experiencing during this incredibly difficult and dark time. Sending love, warmth, and peace to all who are impacted by this tremendous loss.