Ch. 4: Radical Acceptance Pt. 3 – The Shadow.

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” – Dr. Carl Jung

Brief Recap

Before heading into the main event, let’s do a brief recap of what we have learned so far with Radical Acceptance: 

• All human beings are suffering from the trance of unworthiness and personal deficiency, and humans tend avoiding pain & suffering. 
• We avoid pain in all kinds of ways: running away, avoiding, projecting, numbing, and “othering” are some key ways our society avoids pain. 
• Many of us are unaware we are suffering. 
• One symptom of suffering is a sense separateness and isolation we all feel.  
• Radical Acceptance is a practice that promotes resilience by acknowledging our suffering and the suffering of all beings and embracing unconditional friendliness towards ourselves and all humans. 
• Radical Acceptance teaches us to pay attention fully to our experience, to the experience of others, and the world around us without reacting, judging, or running away. 
• Radical Acceptance has two components: clear seeing & compassion. 
• Part of clear seeing involves pausing. Pausing is a moment in which we stop fighting, we stop trying to fix or figure out, we stop running, and we quiet our minds. Often in these moments we allow ourselves to feel difficult emotions, we reconnect to our physical bodies, and we identify & release the trance we were in. 
• Radical Acceptance does not mean we idly stand by and allow or excuse behaviors that cause pain and suffering. For example, we don’t ignore, justify, rationalize, or excuse racism, control, and abuse of all forms. 
• Radical Acceptance creates a foundation where we know what to do and how to act in the most difficult, scary, and overwhelming of circumstances. We call this wise action. 

The Individual Shadow

Today we are making a U turn, and going back to Chapter Three to cover a topic that has been at the forefront of my mind the entire last week and into this weekend. Many of you know I am a mental health therapist specializing in the treatment of trauma. It is hard to put into the words what it is like – from a clinical perspective – to observe political actors purposely creating an environment of trauma. It is similar to trying to understand & make sense of a parent – someone who is supposed to protect, nurture, make us feel safe and loved – who inflicts pain on their children.

The purposeful infliction of pain and trauma by political officials was a tactic discussed in Summer 2024 by the now Director of Office of Management and Budget, Russell Vought.

“We want the bureaucrats to be traumatically affected. When they wake up in the morning, we want them to not want to go to work, because they are increasingly viewed as the villains. We want their funding to be shut down. We want them in trauma.”

Political actors deliberately creating an environment of fear, pain, uneasiness, lack of safety, and security. A constant sense that something is about to be pulled out from under us at any moment, so we have to be ready for the other shoe to drop. Over the past month – the individuals I work with, who have significant histories of trauma, sitting across from me as discussing how they are being personally impacted by the political environment and telling me they feel scared and like something bad is going to happen. And I can no longer reassure them they are safe and that something bad isn’t going to happen – at least when it comes to anything involving our government. Almost everything in our lives is impacted by the government. I think we are all realizing this in a very new and different way.

Over the past month, my approach has had to shift as a trauma therapist, and it is still evolving as this reality unfolds. I won’t go into too much detail as to how this shift looks, but a big part of what I continue to work on in the individuals I work with continues to be found in the practice of radical acceptance. Much of my internal work the past month – in shifting my therapeutic approach and also in my individual processing of what is happening – is using the radical acceptance arm of clear seeing to try to understand why political actors would purposely want to inflict trauma and pain. If we can see ourselves and others behaviors clearly – finding the human behind the behavior and a sense of compassion – we are better equipped to take wise action. Taking wise action is one of the only things we have control over in this current political environment, but it is powerful and has the capacity create meaningful and systemic change. Especially when wise action becomes contagious and widespread.

In the introduction of Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach discusses a concept called the “shadow.” I was first introduced to this concept through the work of Dr. Carl Jung. Without going down too far of a rabbit hole, the shadow is essentially the parts of our personality that we have repressed or hidden because we learned early on (usually from our parents or society) it was not okay to show these aspects of our personality. It’s important to note that both “morally reprehensible” and prosocial qualities, healthy instincts, realistic insights, creative impulses, etc. can end up getting buried pretty deep and become our shadow.  The shadow can consist of:

“. . . the universal energies of fear, anger, hatred, greed, delusion we carry within us. If we fail to wisely engage with these shadow deities, they easily possess us, imprisoning us in suffering and dividing us from ourselves and each other. Ignoring our fear and greed, or condemning ourselves for feeling anger and hatred, only strengthens these deities. If we are able to open to these primal energies with a mindful presence, acknowledging them, and without fighting and resistance, allowing them to move through us, a transformation begins to occur” (Brach xv).

We learn in our families of origin, in school, places of worship, and society in general what behaviors, personality traits, and even what physical characteristics are “okay” and vs. what is not “okay.” Again, we have this this very black and white thinking. Good and bad. Acceptable vs. not acceptable. Something to be proud of vs. something to be ashamed about. Something to brag about vs. something to hide.

We are all humans, and as humans, we all want to feel loved and like we belong. This is natural. We want to feel connected, a part of. We want to be seen and accepted. Naturally, what ends up happening, is that we hide parts of ourselves that may lead us to be rejected, like an outsider or different, or not loved.

“Because we want to be accepted and loved, we try to fashion and present a self that attract others and secure our belonging. . . But we inevitably our natural aggression or neediness or fear, and the significant people in our life react to us. Whether we ware mildly scolded, ignored, or traumatically rejected, on some level we are hurt and pushed away. The shadow becomes a force in our psyche as we regularly exile the emotions that could elicit rejection from others. We might bury or forget childlike excitement; ignore our anger until it becomes knots of tension in our body; cover our fears with endless self judgement and blame. Our shadow is rooted in shame, bound by our sense of basically being defective” (Brach p. 51).

I often remind the individuals I work with, “What we resists, persists.” Every single part of who we are, even those parts we learned early on were “shameful” serve a really important purpose. Often, the purpose is to keep us safe or to help us feel safe in situations that feel very unsafe. When we repress or deny these parts exists, they always come back, but in ways that can cause significant pain to ourselves, those we work with, and the people we love the most.

Here is an example from my own life. I grew up in a family where I learned very early on it was not okay to express anger. I was regularly on the receiving end of anger, but it was not okay for me to show that anger back. I had to take it, absorb it. This was a problem for so many reasons, so I will just  name a few: 

1. I very quickly learned how to suppress my anger. What happens to anger that is repressed and internalized over a lifetime? It depends on the person, but for me it looked like excessive exercise, binge drinking, restricting food, disconnection from my physical body, perfectionism, people pleasing, repression of most emotions, and whole host of other healthy coping mechanisms. Did I mention sarcasm is another side effect of suppressed anger?
2. I experienced deep internal confusion due to the fact that I was not allowed to express my anger when anger needed to be expressed. The objective reality was that there was so much occurring (and not occurring) in my family home that I had every right to be angry about. This created a confusion that lasted for decades. Was I imagining the behavior was harmful? If it was harmful, why wasn’t I allowed to get angry or fight back? Did I cause the anger in the person across from me?  What happens with deep internal confusion? Anxiety, disconnection from intuition, making decisions based on what your parent would approve of, not based on what you really want far into adulthood, etc.
3. I learned how to tolerate harmful behavior. What happens when we learn to tolerate behaviors from others that are harmful? We tend to subconsciously seek out romantic partner, employers, etc. that don’t treat us very well because that is what feels “normal.” Relationships that are healthy, respectful, predictable feel boring. It feels more “familiar” to have inconsistency, disrespect, and only intermittent reassurance. 

Brach goes on to discuss the reality that all humans learn to run from their shadow. They try to escape it, and ignore it’s existence. We are scared of many of these parts of ourselves. They often don’t make sense, and can feel so overwhelming and even scary. Running looks like using substances, bullying & making fun of others, overworking, perfectionism, being physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive. Controlling others. Creating environments run on fear. Think about an individual who has physically abusive tendencies. This is a tough reality to look in the face. Simply admitting we have physically abusive tendencies is scary to admit out loud to someone for very obvious reasons. So we don’t talk about it. We run and hide. Hiding is refusing to discuss the truth. The abusive behaviors continues – usually in secret. The victim of abuse often becomes an abuser themselves – it may not be the same kind of abuse. Instead of physical abuse it could be emotional or verbal, controlling others. Or they end up abusing themselves through substance use, self hatred, restriction of food, love, joy, and happiness. The cycle perpetuates – and it often morphs into something different – but it perpetuates until it is brought into the light of day.

“We want the bureaucrats to be traumatically affected. When they wake up in the morning, we want them to not want to go to work, because they are increasingly viewed as the villains. We want their funding to be shut down. We want them in trauma.”

For me, one of the many ways I ran was by literally running. I started running when I was ten years old. My Dad was an avid runner, and it was something I greatly admired in him. From the ages of 18-30 I ran six marathons, and probably ten half marathons. For years I ran every single day of the week. Some mornings, especially in graduate school, I would get up as early as 3:30am to run, or I would do my 20 mile marathon training workout after my internship and not be done until 10pm – only to be up the next morning at 6am for internship. I ran in 20 degrees below zero, and I ran in temperatures above 100 degrees. I am not saying this to brag. I am saying this to illustrate how compulsive my behavior was. I needed to run no matter what. I ignored my physical body. I ignored when my periods stopped. I ignored muscle aches and pains and ran on sprained ankles. People probably thought I was running for health. In reality I was running to avoid deep anger, grief, and self loathing originating from when I was very young. I was running to punish myself, keep my physical body small and in line. I learned very early on I had to make myself small. I couldn’t challenge, I couldn’t get angry. I ran to maintain the illusion everything was fine, and to not sound off any alarm bells. Also something I believed I had to do originating from my family of origin. Running allowed me to avoid looking at myself and those around me for three decades. It wasn’t until my physical body forced me to stop running almost two years ago that I was able to see some incredibly difficult truths about myself and my family. Looking at these truths head on has allowed me to begin to heal and I still run, but I have a very different relationship with it. Running for me has a very dark side to it. I need to be continually mindful about why I am running. Am I running to escape & disconnect, or am I running to reconnect with myself, my higher power, and with nature? Am I running to get quiet & process?

When we run, we only fuel the darkness. It’s an exhausting endeavor. “Whenever we reject a part of our being, we are confirming to ourselves our fundamental unworthiness . . .  Underneath ‘I shouldn’t get so angry’ lies ‘there is something wrong with me if I do.’”(Brach 51). The difficult irony lies in the reality that the behaviors we use when we “run” are behaviors that lead us to feel only more damaged. When we lash out or bully or use a substance again, after the behavior has subsided, there is usually deep feelings of shame and being alone. Then these feelings of shame and being alone lead us to run again. The cycle continues and we never get to a point where we stop and look at the very part of of ourselves that we are afraid to look at in the face. “Not only do our escape strategies amplify the feeling that something is wrong with us, they stop us from attending to the very parts of us that need our attention to heal.” (Brach p. 54). 

The Collective Shadow

Up until this point we have been discussing the personal or individual shadow. Very briefly I want to touch on the “collective” shadow. Try to imagine everyone in the world and their own personal shadow. Then imagine all of our ancestor’s shadow’s before us. Everyone’s suppressed, repressed, darkness. The centuries of war, racism, famine, poverty; humanity’s dark side. The collective shadow consists of that which opposes our shared and collective values. We usually find the collective shadow in the projection of darkness and inferiority, oppression, control, abuse, instilling of fear. Turning a blind eye to suffering, to responsibility to one another. The collective shadow can be obvious in things like war and genocide, or it can be veiled as something “good” like engaging in harmful behaviors under the guise of being “Christian” or “in common sense.” 

“He who saves the Country does not violate any law.” – Donald Trump “X”posting 2.25.25

Right now we are seeing the collective shadow in full force in the U.S. political arena. This is an incredibly dark time in our country and it will persist. But there is a massive group of Americans who do not see this as a dark time. In fact, many see it as quite the opposite. And we must get curious as to why this is. We must confront some very dark truths and realities to get to the root. What are we repressing, what are we denying, what are we afraid to admit? How do we all perpetuate these cycles of trauma? We need to take an honest look at history to understand much of what is occurring. What has driven genocide? What has driven authoritarian regimes? What drives cycles of abuse? Do we truly understand that victims become victimizers? What are we victims of? What have we suppressed, denied, buried as individuals and as a country? We must get curious.

How can understanding individual and collective shadow inform wise action?

• Be on the lookout for political actors acting out of their shadow. You can do this by noticing projections. The projection of anger, hatred, blame, etc. Understand that what someone dislikes in others is really something they dislike in themselves, however they are not aware of it. Victimizers were victims at some point in their lives. Reminder: This doesn’t harmful, abusive, and oppressive behavior. It allows us to remember the humanity in all beings.
• Sarcasm, and the use humor when discussing a situation or action that has cause an immense amount of pain and suffering individually and collectively is a form of running away. It is a form of avoiding and not taking responsibility. Using humor and sarcasm to cover up harmful and maybe even abusive behaviors is a form of gaslighting. The likelihood this individual grew up in a home where they were made fun of by their parents is incredibly high. These individuals are likely acting from adaptive child state. Anyone who engages in gaslighting is also gaslighting themselves on a regular basis, but usually in the form of delusion – likely grandiose delusions. Reminder: This doesn’t harmful, abusive, and oppressive behavior. It allows us to remember the humanity in all beings.
  • We spent the weekend feeling USAID into the wood chipper. Could gone to some great parties. Did that instead.” – Mus
  • “Watching Trump slash federal programs because it doesn’t affect you because you’re not a member of the parasite class.” Musk responding to meme: “Why 90% of Americans love @DOGE.” 
• Anyone who flaunts or brags about purposely creating environments that traumatize individuals is acting in the role of an abuser. Period. The likelihood this individual was abused, grew up in a home with immense fear, hostility, and punishment is incredibly high. The hatred this individual has for others very likely mirrors the hatred he has for himself. Reminder: This doesn’t harmful, abusive, and oppressive behavior. It allows us to remember the humanity in all beings.
• We must accept that anyone allowing their shadow to dictate their behavior means they are unaware or unconscious of their wounding. There is also a very high likelihood these indivduals are operating from the adaptive child state. It is already quite clear these political actors are not aware of their wounding, because they do not see anything wrong with their behaviors. This is important for us to accept because the political actors behaviors are not changing anytime soon. Holding out hope for behavior change is not intelligent.
• If the political actors are not changing, the work that must occur is within ourselves and with one another. No one is coming to save us. We must accept our woundedness, and we must accept we are all suffering. Then, we must take responsibility for our own healing. If enough of us (the collective) commit to working on our own healing over the course of our lives, the collective will shift. The irony here is that we must move towards our shadow in order to move into the light. We must face our shadow head on, understand why it is there, and befriend it. For those of us to experienced trauma, it is so very important to do this kind of work with a professional. Exploring the dark parts of who we are can be incredibly scary and overwhelming. There is no need to go there alone. We must allow another human to witness our pain, and assist us in the path to healing.
• We must understand that parts of our shadow we may be suppressing can be incredible helpful during this specific time in the world. For example, if we have banished a part of ourselves that feels anger towards unjust actions or abusive behavior, exploring this and learning how to channel this in a way that we do not cause harm to others can be incredibly impactful. Often, we can harness these parts of our shadow foster immense strength and courage in the face of fear and uncertainty.
• We must look very honestly at the collective shadow. Individually and as a community, we must take an honest look at our nation’s history. We must take a look at the systems that created the political actors purposely behaving in ways that create trauma and fear. This also includes looking at family systems that molded these political actors. We must take a close look at our family history. We need to understand things like patriarchy, colonialism, imperialism.
  • What are we repressing, what are we denying, what are we afraid to admit?
  • What did our ancestors repress and deny, or actively engage in?
  • How have we all perpetuated systems of oppression without even knowing it?
  • How did our ancestors perpetuate these systems of oppression?
  • How did our parents perpetuate these systems of oppression?
• While these are very difficult realities to look at, looking at them in a very honest way is one of the most critical prescriptions for what is occurring right now in our country. We must stop running, we must move towards the darkness in order to come into the light individually and as a nation. This will be painful. In doing this work power moves from the collective shadow to the collective “light” or “conscious.” Collective light or conscious are the shared positive aspects of society, values and ideals widely embraced by society as a whole. This does NOT mean we all have to believe in the same exact things. In fact, we can have deeply varied beliefs, but we all agree on a few core foundational tenets. Values like respect and dignity for all human life, nonviolence, shared responsibility for the wellbeing of all humans, etc. 
• We must continue to have conversations with individuals whose view differ from our own. This is so incredibly important right now. Seek out individuals who have differing backgrounds, differing political views. Sit across from one another, listen, learn to be present with individuals who hold opposing viewpoints from your own. Do the hard work of finding commonalities between you. Dig deep.
• Be mindful about the various ways you are “othering.” Are you name calling? Are you assuming? Are you letter raw anger lead you? Are you grouping all people who voted for a particular candidate and assuming something about every one them? 
• Take responsibility for our actions. One of the most effective and meaningful ways we can do this is acknowledging when we have caused harm, and repair. This might include a heartfelt and genuine apology, and a commitment to changing our behavior so we don’t repeat the harm. We are all imperfect, and will make mistakes. Apologizing when we cause harm & doing the work to ensure we don’t harm again, is such a gift to others and to ourselves. There is tremendous collective healing that can result if enough of us commit to effectively apologizing, repairing, and doing the work to not repeat harms we have caused.
• Learn how to truly listen to understand & practice this in all aspects of your life. In the next week or two, I will devote an entire blog post on this.

Committing to all of the above will lead us towards wise action. We must hold onto our faith, all that is bigger than us, our sense of selves and our inherent goodness, our deeper connection to all humans and our earth?

I cannot tell you specifically what wise action looks like. It will be different for all of us. What I can tell you is that burying our heads in the sand, avoiding the news, and pretending this isn’t happening is only going to prolong our individual and collective suffering. We must accept the reality of what is occurring. We do not have to let the reality of what is occurring drown us or put us in a trauma response, but this takes practice and consistent nurturing. We must embrace the tension of the opposites. What we are experiencing is dark and scary. And we can commit to allowing joy and light in during the darkest of times. We must. We must pause and practice mindfulness. We might need to take a time out from the news or social media. Again, for those who have a history of trauma – much of this work cannot occur in isolation. Seek out professional assistance, seek out healers, seek out humans you trust and love.

Suggested exercises for healing this week:

This week I am encouraging everyone to focus on their own personal shadow. We all have a shadow, and there is tremendous value and healing that can come from understanding the various elements of our own shadows. Ideally, we want to bring the various parts of our shadow into the light, understand how and why these parts of ourselves had to be buried and remain hidden, and then re-integrate all parts of our shadow into our psyche. Yes, even the “darkest” parts. This work promotes deeper self awareness, self compassion and acceptance, and acknowledgement of wounds that need to be healed. Here are some questions to reflect on to help you explore this topic further. Also a gentle reminder this specific kind of instrospection can bring up a lot in us – especially those of us with a history of trauma. Consider answering these questions with a professional, a healer, someone you love and trust – and go slow. There is no rush in this kind of work.

1. What angers me more than anything? Where does this come from?
2. What do I think is incredibly unfair? Why do I think this?
3. What triggers me to feel rage or anger? Where does this come from?
4. What traits in other people turn me off? Where does this originate?
5. What behaviors in myself disgust me? What behaviors in others disgust me?
6. What parts of my personality do I dislike or am I ashamed of?
7. When have I experienced public humiliation? How has this impacted me? What did I do to ensure public humiliation never occurred again?
8. When have I had my heart broken? How has this impacted me? What did I do to ensure I never got my heart broken again?
9. What aspects of my personality as a child do I no longer have and why do I think this is? 
10. What activities, hobbies, etc. did I do as a child and adolescent that brought me joy? Do I do anything of these things anymore? Why not? 
11. Do I ever feel resentful for having too much responsibility? Do I say yes to others when I really want say no? What do I think this is about?
12. What is it like for me to stand up for myself? To communicate and maintain a boundary with someone? 
13. How often do I call other people names or label them publicly or in my own head? 
14. What is one thing I did in the past that I am deeply ashamed of and would be mortified if anyone found out? Why do I feel so ashamed about this? 
15. What is one thing that I purposely withhold from my partner or best friends? Why? 
16. Was I ever bullied or made fun of growing up? How has this impacted me? What did I do to ensure this bullying never occurred again?
17. What is the biggest betrayal I have ever experienced? How has this impacted me?
18. Was I ever told that certain behaviors I engaged in were “shameful” or can never occur again?
19. When do I most feel jealousy? What are the patterns I can recognize in what makes me jealous?
20. What is one behavior (or behaviors) I engage in that I purposely keep a secret? Why? 
21. How did the family role I played lead to suppression of parts of my personality or specific behaviors or interests?
22. Is there a person from my family or past that I purposely try to not be like? 
23. What is one thing I would never forgive a friend or partner for? 
24. Are there words or phrases I hear that disgust me? Words like patriarchy? Transgender? Diversity, equity, inclusion? DOGE? When did I first start to feel this way about these things? What physical reaction do I have in my body when I hear these terms? What do I automatically assume about someone using these terms? Do I truly understand what these terms mean? Do I feel threatened in any way by these terms? Why?

Recommended Instagram Page: https://www.instagram.com/scienceandnonduality_/?igsh=MTl0cDdtNjBzODVldQ%3D%3D#

Music I am listening to: https://open.spotify.com/album/1BZoqf8Zje5nGdwZhOjAtD?si=ORGZu_lzQoy_Y9To7Xf_Mw

Book I am still reading: The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity and Love by Bell Hooks. https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/the-will-to-change-men-masculinity-and-love_bell-hooks/342778/#isbn=0743456084

Example of a wise action I am taking this week: Moving forward, I will no longer be sharing Amazon links on this blog. When recommending books, I will be creating links to independent vendors – ideally that publicly support DEI. Still doing some research!

Art: The Black Madonna at Montserrat. https://www.montserrat-tourist-guide.com/en/attractions/black-madonna-montserrat-spain.html

Bipartisan Resource: https://washingtondc.jhu.edu/news/how-two-partisan-enemies-became-friends/

Don’t forget to check out the index of resources!