Where do our beliefs come from?
- Lived experiences (see possible sources of suffering).
- Parents/attachment figures.
- People we looked up to or respected. Teachers, coaches, leaders, mentors, bosses, historical & political figures.
- People we feared. Teachers, coaches, leaders, mentors, bosses, historical & political figures.
- What we were/are taught (or not taught) in places of worship.
- What we were/are taught (or not taught) in school.
- Information we chose/choose to consume (books, news sources, what we follow on social media).
- Present day friends, family, children, colleagues.
How to use the beliefs list for introspection:
Simply review the lists and make a mental note if you believe any of these things, or if you have had periods in your life where you believed these things about yourself. Or you can print this off, highlight the ones that seem familiar or evoke some kind of an emotional or physical response when you read it. Identifying that one or more of these statements, beliefs, or rules feels familiar doesn’t mean anything in particular. Get curious about where this belief comes from. What are the origins? Ask yourself if you still belief it is true. Or do you still follow the rule? It may be very beneficial to do this exercise with a friend, partner, or therapist. Journaling is always recommended.
RESPONSIBILITY/ I AM SOMETHING “WRONG”
I don’t deserve love.
I am a bad person.
I am terrible.
I am worthless (inadequate).
I am shameful.
I am not lovable.
I am not good enough.
I deserve only bad things.
I am permanently damaged.
I am ugly.
I do not deserve . . .
I am stupid (not smart enough).
I am insignificant (unimportant).
I am a disappointment. I
I deserve to die.
I deserve to be miserable.
I am different (don’t belong).
RESPONSIBILITY/ I DID SOMETHING “WRONG”
I should have done something.
I did something wrong.
I should have known better.
SAFETY/ VULNERABILITY
I cannot be trusted.
I cannot trust myself.
I cannot trust my judgment.
I cannot trust anyone.
I cannot protect myself.
I am in danger.
I am trapped.
It’s not okay to feel (show) my emotions.
I cannot stand up for myself.
I cannot let it out.
CONTROL/ CHOICE
I am not in control.
I am powerless (helpless).
I am weak.
I cannot get what I want.
I am a failure (will fail).
I cannot succeed.
I have to be perfect (please everyone).
I cannot stand it.
I am inadequate.
I cannot trust anyone.
EARLY BONDING CONTRACT RULES (unwritten, unspoken rules in your family of origin)
I must . . . .
Watch your face to anticipate what you need.
Change myself to make you happy with me.
Be perfect and not make mistakes.
Achieve and perform for you.
Not make waves.
Be quiet. Making loud noises, yelling, laughing loudly, etc. is not pleasing to others.
Tolerate mistreatment.
Keep from being noticed.
Be silent (children should be seen and not heard).
Take care of my own needs by myself.
Take care of all of your needs.
Stay at a distance.
Not ask for help.
Not show or ask for affection.
Not trouble you with my needs or feelings.
Not show vulnerability.
Not get angry.
Hide my talents.
Not be successful.
Not be happy or playful.
Be a clown.
Be sick/helpless to get attention.
Act out to get attention.
Have meltdowns to get attention.
Be in control of you.
Take care of you to be connected to you.
Be loud and demanding so you will listen.
Stay in conflict with you to remain connected.
Denigrate you to feel safe and in control.
Hurt you when I feel hurt to feel in control.
DIVERSITY, EQUITY, INCLUSION
The most qualified individual should be rewarded.
Differences create a barrier to higher performance because they bog down the process and lead to conflict.
Diversity means that white men will lose.
Only a few can succeed.
It is too challenging to bring in people from diverse backgrounds.
People who are different should conform.
Equity is really illegal discrimination.
DEI initiatives related to the US Government hiring process subverts the will of the People, puts critical government functions at risk, and risks losing the best-qualified candidates.