Ch. 5: Radical Acceptance Pt. 4 – Reconnecting With Our Physical Bodies

“The cure for pain is in the pain.” – Rumi

When I was younger, I remember asking my Dad how he could run long races like marathons. It seemed impossible to me, and I was curious how he effortlessly covered so many miles in all the elements. He made it look easy. “My body tells me to stop, but my head tells me to ignore it.” This statement made a tremendous impact on me, and I latched onto it with my life. Operating in this way, I had discovered the formula for physical endurance and toughness. In my mind, this would allow me to be an even better athlete. In reality, I had discovered the way I would cover up emotional pain, anger, grief, and sadness for the next three decades. I learned to mentally override any kind of signals from my body that I was exhausted or in emotional pain. Pushing through, I could run for hours. I could play center midfield for 90 minutes in a soccer game without batting an eye. Later, I could ran marathons with horrific hangovers & lungs filled with cigarette smoke.

I am not blaming my Dad for the fact I was disconnected from my physical body for most of my life. In many ways, I am so grateful he showed me the value in running. While it aided my lifelong disconnection from my body, it also saved my life in many ways. The message I received from my Dad regarding running & and detaching from physical pain was powerful – and I latched onto it – but it only one small part of a much larger story (going back generations) as to why I needed to disconnect from my body for so long.

For a period of time in my adolescence, I stopped eating. This was in the 8th grade, during a brief move our family made to the east coast and back to Minnesota. Between July and probably November of that year I lost probably 20 pounds from an already small frame. I recognized the hunger cues; the severe stomach pain. The lack of energy and stamina I had when playing soccer embarrassed and ashamed me. I was no longer a good soccer player. My game was completely changed; I was exhausted. I saw the frightening changes in my body, and I was aware of the consequences – but I simply ignored it all. I pushed through.

As I got older, the physical disconnection from my body morphed. During my short drinking career, I often plowed past the point of intoxication. I completely ignored all the signals that I had drank enough. Fuzzy head, severely reduced inhibitions and judgement, skewed thinking, blurry vision, vomiting, disorientation. Over time, this led to incredibly severe consequences – to both myself and others.

Even after getting sober, I continued to disconnect from my body. I was in relationships with people that felt very unsafe to me — because they were in fact unsafe — but I ignored the signals my body was sending me alerting me that danger was ahead. I ignored my intuition. I continued to run in a compulsive way. Now working in the behavioral health field, I often saw ten patients a day – constantly on the cusp of burnout but rarely taking a day off and unable to say no when another patient was added to my caseload. I put myself in risky situations on a regular basis. An example of this occurred about one year into being a new therapist in a community mental health agency in rural New Mexico. I was 25, we had limited resources in this area, and I volunteered (and my supervisor allowed this) to drive a patient of mine to the psychiatric hospital in Santa Fe, alone (I did bring my dog Odie with me who was a 150lb St. Bernard/Border Collie Mix). This individual was going through opioid withdrawals, active psychosis, and suicidal ideation and I was terrified. I didn’t want to do it, but I did it. I pushed through all of it. I ignored the voice that was saying “this isn’t safe.” I remember shaking on the way home.

During both my pregnancies, including my twin pregnancy, I had been in preterm labor for weeks and didn’t notice the physical signs this was occurring. During both pregnancies, I didn’t feel contractions until right before I delivered my children. I remember being in the hospital, watching the monitor connected to many sensors on my stomach telling me I was having contractions, but I simply didn’t feel them. While many may read this and see it as a positive thing, it really was not. There were a lot of complications in both my pregnancies, and my inability to sense the physical sensations indicating preterm labor, and my inability to feel contractions were just a few symptoms of several larger issues which led to preterm deliveries with all three of my boys.

In October of 2023 my body told me it had had enough. And it told me this by breaking out in shingles on my entire left side. In the months leading up to this, I was under intense stress related to my job, my family, and a variety of relationships in my life. I had continued to run compulsively, and was severely burned out personally & professionally. I was engaging with people I felt unsafe with. And I ignored all of the stress and just kept going. Until my body said what I couldn’t. Stop. When I stopped, I started the slow and painful process of reconnecting to my body, and with this a mountain trauma surfaced I had suppressed for decades – it emerged whether I wanted it to our not – because I literally could not run away from it. With an abundance of self compassion, I can now clearly see why I hadn’t been able to stop for almost 30 years. It makes complete sense to me why I had to disconnect from my body. For me, it was the only way. The grief that came, and continues to come, in looking back at all that was buried and lost over these 30 years – and in understanding those who came before me and all they buried and lost – and their suffering – is the most painful journey I have ever been on.

Our Collective Disconnection

So many of us are disconnected from our bodies – and for varying reasons. We are disconnected because we are wounded individually, and we are deeply wounded as a collective. We are wounded because of our experiences growing up, generational poverty, systemic racism & oppression, mass incarceration, misogyny, patriarchy, colonialism, imperialism, and generational trauma. No one goes unscathed. Many of us are in denial about this for the very reason that we are so disconnected from ourselves that we do not feel. We are numb. Or if we experience a feeling – it is pain. As a society, we cannot handle pain – so we shut down emotionally and physically. And the disconnection continues. Root causes are never addressed; wounds do not get cleaned and the infection rages on.

When we are disconnected from our bodies like what I described above, we are in our heads. We are in our “thinking” brain or “monkey mind.” The constant narratives, obsessions, grasping, judgements, and analyzations. We are on auto-pilot. We are not in the intelligent part of our brain. We are in the primal part of our brain. When we are in the primal part of our brain, we simply cannot experience emotions that inform us, rationality and intelligence becomes distant, and we cannot connect to other human beings. We cannot connect to other human beings because we cannot connect to ourselves. We do not know how to be vulnerable with one another, especially if we do not agree with the person across from us. We argue, deflect, blame, and criticize. Some of us bully and abuse. We are cutoff from ourselves, and we are cutoff from others. Our country is a group of individuals that are cutoff from themselves, and cutoff from others.

Right now, many of us are disconnected from ourselves. Even if we do not have a history of trauma, many of us are experiencing what we refer to as a trauma response. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. I think about the email that was sent to federal employees this evening. Tonight, federal workers are terrified they will lose their jobs if they don’t write down their five bullet points in a way that is pleasing to the powers that be. These federal workers were home with their families, trying to decompress after an incredible stressful month. They were already on edge after many of their colleagues were terminated in the past several weeks, and after the constant threats.

Mass layoffs, deportations, erasing of scientific data spanning from education to infectious disease, villainizing of DEI, dismantling military leadership in the name of promoting political supporters, dehumanizing immigrants and transgendered humans, U.S. leaders developing friendships with authoritarian leaders and picking fights with long time international allies. The daily lying, bullying, and joking about it all.

We are shocked, we are disoriented, we are confused, we are enraged, and we are overwhelmed. We may not even know it, but we are disconnected from our experience. We must have compassion for ourselves as to why we are having the response we are having, but then we must get to work and get back into the intelligent brain. If we have not already engaged in some kind of healing work – shifting from the primal brain to the intelligent brain will be harder – but it is not impossible. It will just take some self education and practice (at the end of this post I detail some very simple practices to engage in when we are feeling fearful, or disconnected from our bodies). We simply cannot stay in disconnection if we are going to take wise action. Today, this is what we are going to discuss with the help of Dr. Tara Brach, Eckart Tolle, and Dr. Nicole LePera.

Trance, The Pain Body, and The Trauma Body

In Chapter 5 of Radical Acceptance, titled “Coming Home to Our Body: The Ground of Radical Acceptance,” Tara Brach emphasizes the importance of reconnecting with our physical selves as a foundation for mindfulness and self-acceptance. Brach suggests that many individuals live predominantly in their minds, often disconnected from bodily sensations, which can lead to a sense of unworthiness and disconnection from the present moment.

Many of us are only aware of our bodies when something is extremely unpleasant or extremely pleasurable. When we are in the middle or “neutral”, not in the extremes, we are only partially aware of what is happening in our bodies – Brach refers to this as “trance.” “Neutral is our signal to disengage and turn our attention elsewhere, which usually means an experience more intense or stimulating”( Brach p.95) Neutral may feel incredibly unnatural or uncomfortable if we have a history of trauma. For folks with trauma, it often feels more familiar to be in this fear, this chaos, this uncertainty. I discussed this quite a bit in my last post about the shadow. Especially if we grew up in a family home where chaos was the norm. We may actually be subconsciously drawn to the chaos, and then make decisions that result in pain. We may be acting from a part of ourselves that actually much younger than our actual age. Because this is what we know. It is familiar. And the cycle continues.

Brach introduces the concept of the body as a sanctuary—a grounding point for radical acceptance. By practicing mindful awareness of our physical sensations, emotions, and experiences, we can develop a nonjudgmental relationship with our bodies. This embodied presence allows us to break free from habitual thought patterns that contribute to feelings of inadequacy. By embracing our physical experiences without judgment, we can uncover the inherent wisdom and worthiness within us.

We must pay attention to our bodies, and we must learn to not automatically react to pain – physical or emotional – with fear. We notice our physical bodies and we pay attention; we learn to not panic at the hint of pain. Part of paying attention is taking care of ourselves, nurturing ourselves. Getting enough sleep, rest, relaxation, and human connection. When we are under the weather, we attend to ourselves. We must be attuned to ourselves like we are to our children. We slow down. So many of us struggle with being kind & loving to ourselves because many of us subconsciously believe we do not deserve to be kind & loving to ourselves. And many of us grew up in homes where our parents were not kind to themselves.

Brach cites the respected work of Dr. Jon Kabat Zinn when discussing what is at stake if we don’t listen to our physical body:

“Symptoms of illness or distress, plus your feelings about them, can be viewed as messengers coming to tell you something important about your body or about your mind. In the old days, if a king didn’t like the message he was given, he would sometimes have the messenger killed. This is tantamount to suppressing your symptoms or your feelings because they are unwanted. Killing the messenger and denying the message or raging against it are not intelligent ways of approaching healing. The one thing we don’t want to do is to ignore or rupture the essential connections that can complete relevant feedback loops and restore self-regulation and balance. Our real challenge when we have symptoms is to see if we can listen to their messages and really hear them and take them to heart, that is, make the connection fully”(Zinn qtd. in Brach p.99)

Eckart Tolle uses the term “pain body” to describe this disconnection with our bodies. This disconnection, Tolle argues, is what happens when our nervous system become stuck in survival mode. When we are stuck in fight/flight or freeze state, which can happen through chronic stress or trauma, the mind is biased towards negative thinking and will ruminate over things the greater the degree of stress. This has a very real survival function, it’s how our bodies protect us in the face of threat. The body wants to eliminate any possibility of danger before determining we are safe and can relax. So it will assume the worst until it can know for sure we are safe. 

Dr. Nicole LePera, psychologist and author of How To Do The Work, uses the term “trauma body” when describing physical disconnection with the body in the aftermath of trauma. She discusses the shifting body of research, including research on Polyvagal Theory (we will do an entire post on this), which increasingly supports a more expansive framework of understanding trauma and how it effects us. More and more we are understanding that trauma impacts our physical bodies as much as it impacts our brains. “Trauma is no longer defined solely by the type of event we experienced but instead as the impact (specifically to our nervous systems) that results from being overwhelmed and under-supported in the face of all types of overwhelming experiences”(LaPera p.58)

Coming Back Home To Our Bodies

Let’s take a moment to remember the definition of wise action: Taking thoughtful, considerate actions that are based on good judgment, understanding the potential consequences, and aiming to minimize harm and suffering while maximizing positive outcomes for oneself and others, often incorporating ethical considerations and mindful awareness into decision-making; essentially, doing the “right thing” in a given situation with a deep understanding of the context.

Integrating our minds and bodies returns us to state where we see can clearly see ourselves, others, and the world around us in a pure and honest light. Void of the narratives and fears, the judgements and misconceptions. We see ourselves with humanity, we see others with humanity, and we see the word with humanity. And compassion. In this integration, we see everything differently, in color, with nuances.

“Existing long term in the trauma body can lead to exhaustion, insomnia, high emotional reactivity, feelings or thought of doom or dread, and the inability to connect with others. Some people have described this experience as having a life run by fear based decisions, often feeling completely out of control. In this state, we lose access to our intuition, creativity, and ability to emotionally connect with others”(LaPera p.59)

Brach echoes these sentiments, focusing on the importance of going towards the pain versus avoiding it. Another way of thinking about this is if we go towards the pain, allow ourselves to feel it with a gentle and compassionate approach, we don’t respond from the trauma body. We respond from the body that exists absent of the layers that have been added as a result of the trauma. The body that was always there, but in many ways was hijacked. “If we accept pain without the confusion of fear, we can listen to it’s message and respond to it with clarity” (Brach p.99)

Learning to accept pain without confusion or fear is critical if we are going to be taking wise action in response to the current political climate. THIS TAKES PRACTICE, PATIENCE, AND SELF COMPASSION. This is a call for everyone to be taking wise action. Wise action does not mean burying our head in the sand, or waiting for someone else to speak up. Or waiting to see what the courts will do. What many of us are observing right now is individuals who have been marginalized or discriminated against their whole lives speaking up. Those of us who have not been marginalized or discriminated against, have an obligation to take wise action right now. We need to share the load; we must. Please consider this, and engage in some deep introspection as to why you are not taking wise action if you already have not.

A word for those folks who have a history of trauma of any kind. Brach makes a very important point at the end of Chapter 5. It is always okay to proceed with caution. If we are in a period of time of intense emotional and physical discomfort, we do not need to stay in the pain. It is absolutely okay and kind and loving to ourselves to pause, nurture, comfort, and soothe. It is okay to direct our attention elsewhere if the pain gets too intense. We can listen to music, go outside in nature, run our hands under cold water, self nurture, or do something that brings us joy. We listen to our needs. Many of us will need to enlist the help of a trusted friend, therapist or healer at times. Learning how to reconnect with our bodies, especially if we have been disconnected for so long, can be incredibly hard work — but reconnecting is absolutely possible – and coming back home to our bodies is such a beautiful, healing reunion. We are returning to ourselves.

How do we reconnect to our physical bodies so we accept pain – physical or emotional – understand it’s message, and use this information to discern and take wise action?

Many of my recommendations for books and podcasts on this topic are found on my resource page, but I am going to list some very effective ways to start reconnecting here:

1. Body scanning. Here is how it works (link to audio version here):

• Sitting comfortably, take a deep breath in through the nose, and out through the mouth.
• As you breathe out, close the eyes. Notice how the body feels right now.
• Starting at the top of the head, gently scan down through the body, noticing what feels comfortable and what feels uncomfortable.
• Remember, you’re not trying to change anything, just noticing how the body feels as you scan down evenly and notice each and every part of the body, all the way down to the toes.
• Additional body scanning meditation podcasts are located on my resource page.

2. If you run or walk, try to do so without headphones at least a few times a week. Extra challenge: remove your smartwatch. While running or walking, engage in periodic body scanning. Or you can simply practice mindfulness by taking in the world around you. Look at the trees, sky, clouds. Really look at these things in detail, while being mindful of your breath. Notice the temperature, smells, colors, textures, where the sun is in the sky. Pay attention to the birds or different animals you see. Notice your breath. Notice your body. Notice your muscles.

3. Practice mindfulness, preferably before you check email or news in the morning. Here are some steps that might be helpful.

• On waking, sit in your bed or a chair in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and connect with the sensations of your seated body. Make sure your spine is straight, but not rigid.
• Take three long, deep, nourishing breaths—breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Then let your breath settle into its own rhythm, as you simply follow it in and out, noticing the rise and fall of your chest and belly as you breathe. If you find that you have a wandering mind or negative thoughts, simply return to the breath.
• Throughout the day periodically pause, take a breath, and observe what is happening in your mind and body without judgement.

4. Yoga. And I am not talking about going to a studio, engaging in group yoga, or heated yoga. There is nothing wrong with these kinds of yoga, but if our intention is simply to reconnect with our bodies, it can be incredibly effective & less distracting to get on our yoga mats alone (a yoga mat isn’t required, just the floor is great) and listen to what our body needs. Where do we need to stretch, hold, expand, open, breathe into? Sit and listen to our bodies. It may take some time. No music, no noise. Where do we need to rest or hold? Try to get on the floor and flow by listening to what your body is telling you. If this feels very difficult, then I would recommend starting by watching a very gentle and brief somatic yoga routine first, and then spending some time after listening to your body and moving from there.

5. Progressive muscle relaxation. This is a practice from Dr. Nicole LePera’s workbook titled “How To Meet Yourself.” She recommends focusing on the following muscle groups: A) forehead around eyes and nose, cheeks & jaw B) shoulders, neck, upper back C) wrists, forearms, hands D)chest & stomach E) hips, glutes, upper thighs F) lower legs & feet.

• Find a safe, quiet space where you’re comfortable and are able to lie down.
• Breathe in and tense the muscle group (tightly but not to the point of pain or cramping) for four to ten seconds.
• Breathe out and completely relax the muscle group all at once (do not relax it gradually).
• Relax for ten to twenty seconds before moving onto the next muscle group. Notice the difference between how the muscles feel when they are tense and how they feel when they are relaxed.
• Repeat steps 1-3 on the next muscle group until you have worked through every muscle group.

For Healing This Week:

Some questions to better understand if you might be experiencing disconnection from your physical body:

• How do I related to hunger cues or food cravings?
• What part of my body that seems to act up when I am stressed, exhausted, fearful or angry? (key areas may include the jaw, chest/sternum area, stomach, upper and lower back, picking at fingers or hands.)
• When under the weather, do I take the time to truly rest, or do I try to push through and work and accomplish?
• Do I have have a recurring injury that never seems to get better?
• Have I ever explored if an emotional connection may exist between my jaw clenching, teeth grinding, chronic pain, skin conditions, insomnia, recurrent bladder or urinary infections, etc?
• Do I regularly rely on pain medication, including non prescription pain medications to mask physical pain? (Please note I am not minimizing the importance of pain management. Medically supervised pain management is incredibly important for so many conditions. During surgery, post surgery, treatment of severe injuries, palliative care, the list is extensive. I am focusing on the masking of pain long term, and avoiding identifying and effectively treating root causes of physical pain from a multidisciplinary perspective.)
• Do I regularly rely on substances to mask emotional pain (alcohol, pot, etc)?
• Do I say yes to invitations from people I don’t want to be around and events I do not want to be at? When I notice feelings of anger and resentment or “being used” or “taken advantage of” do I notice this anywhere in my body?
• Do I say yes to invitations and events in which I have an uncomfortable feeling in my body when I think about being with these people or at these events?
• Do I repeatedly spend time with people and at places that have harmed me (or treat me with respect) or do not feel safe?
• How often am I engaged in conversations in which we are offering deep presence, attention, and listening, only to have the person across from us rarely or never inquire about our experience our how we are doing?
• When I am speaking and they are talking at me, not with me, how do I experience this in my physical body?
• Do my limbs ever feel foreign or unreal?
• How regularly do I purposely push past the point of physical pain?
• Do I purposely consume foods I simply do not like?
• Do I engage in physical exercise I simply do not like?
• Do my actions sometimes feel like they are happening on autopilot, without conscious control?
• Am I experiencing physical symptoms that scare me or concern me, but am ignoring them and not discussing them?
• Am I able to “function” well on little to no sleep or rest?
• What do I experience when I look at my physical body in the mirror?
• Do I ever complete a task, only to realize I don’t remember completing a task?
• How often do I find myself losing time because I am fantasizing or daydreaming?
• Am I ever physically intimate with someone who does not feel safe to me, even if I can’t identify why I feel unsafe?
• Do I regularly need to be under the influence of substances in order to be physically intimate with another person?
• If someone treats me in a disrespectful way, is it easy to stick up for myself? What do I notice in my physical body when someone treats me in a disrespectful way?
• Are there parts of my physical body that are difficult for me to look at? Do I ever feel “disgust” when I look at any part of my physical body?
• What kind of relationship with their physical bodies did my attachment figures have? Was my Mother proud of her femininity and physical body? Did she discuss menstrual cycles and sex and sexuality with me? Was my Father proud of his physical body and his masculinity? Did he discuss sex and sexuality with me? Did my parents discuss the importance of taking care of our physical bodies, and not just in a way that emphasized physical appearance or accomplishment? How did I see my parents nurturing & respecting their physical bodies?
• What are early messages did I receive about my physical body from my family and those around me?

Recommended Instagram Page by topic:

• For somatic work (reconnecting with the physical body):https://www.instagram.com/jonathanmead/?igsh=MWN2ZW12eXkwZ2ZwbA%3D%3D#
• For therapists: https://www.instagram.com/the.healingvibe/?igsh=eXcxYzM5MjR6Z2x3#
• For introspection around colonialism, patriarchy, etc: https://www.instagram.com/darling.sam.darling/?igsh=bzdmN3J5MmNhaGNk#

Music I am listening to: Chinchilla.

Book I am still reading: The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity and Love by Bell Hooks.

Example of a wise action I am taking this week:

• My family is participating in the Economic Blackout this Friday February 28th.
• Moving forward, I will no longer be sharing Amazon links on this blog. When recommending books, I will be creating links to independent vendors – ideally that publicly support DEI. Still doing some research!
• I made a decision to take a few days off the first few weeks of March. I need some rest & sunshine, and no longer ignore these things.
• If I see a mental health policy, statement, or action made by the Trump Administration and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. that is based in unreality and lies, I will be posting about this on social media. I will not be venting, I will be noting the policy, why it is not based in truth, and discuss the harm this action can cause from a mental health perspective. This is my area of expertise, therefore I feel a responsibility to speak up about the areas I have knowledge, experience, and formal training in. Here is an example. What is your areas of expertise? Consider doing the same vs. staying silent.

Artist: San Antonio based artist Robert Garza. His painting, Dream of the Eternal Lady, is pictured at the top of my post.

Political Quote: “If you want to preserve – I’m very serious now – if you want to preserve democracy as we know it, you have to have a free and many times adversarial press. And without it, I am afraid that we would lose so much of our individual liberties over time. That’s how dictators get started.” – John McCain

Don’t forget to check out the index of resources!