Ch.6: Radical Acceptance Pt. 5 - Desire & Longing

“Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It’s yours. If you don’t know, the thing to do is not to get scared, but to learn.” – Ayn Rand

A few days ago, I posted a video on social media about the interaction that occurred on Friday involving President Trump, VP Vance, and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky in the White House Oval Office. If you haven’t watched the exchange, you can find it here. What occurred on Friday illustrates important truths about American leaders, the state of our country, and the steps we need to take as individuals to not perpetuate the root causes that led President Trump and VP Vance (and those around them) to treat President Zelensky the way they did. Or to treat historically marginalized groups, immigrants, the LGBTQIA + community, federal civil servants, US AID Workers, individuals working in DEI, scientists, women, and many others with disrespect, hatred, contempt, and disdain.

Here is a group of men who desire and long to:

Feel superior to others because they grew up with excessive praise or indulgence as a child, leading to an inflated sense of self-importance. This can also surface with strong feelings of inadequacy if we grew up in environments with significant deprivation (poverty, lack of physical security, lack of love).
Control because they grew up feeling or experiencing a complete lack of control, chaos, unpredictability, and turmoil.
Be perfect or be perceived as perfect because they grew up in environments where love and approval were conditional on achievement or perfection. Their parents may have set unrealistic expectations or only given praise for success.
Feel powerful because they grew up with an attachment figure or in systems (like the extreme poverty Vance discusses in Hillbilly Elegy) that “powered over” them and those they loved.
Be heard because they were voiceless and ignored a large part of their life.
Be viewed as strong because they have felt weak or have been told they are weak.
Feel accomplished, because they have struggled with chronic feelings of low self worth or were told they weren’t doing enough.
Feel adored and acknowledged because they have felt invisible a large part of their life.

Here is a group of men who:

Bully because they were consistently bullied. (Unmet need = emotional and physical safety, protection)
Emotionally and verbally abuse because they were consistently emotionally and verbally abused or witnessed it. (Unmet need = emotional safety, being heard and understood, protection)
Disparage because they were consistently disparaged or witnessed it. (Unmet need = emotional safety, protection)
Gang up on someone because they were consistently ganged up on or witnessed it. (Unmet need = protection, emotional safety)
Demand “respect” and loyalty because they have been betrayed, abuse, or neglect from caregivers or authority figures. They grew up in environments where trust was repeatedly broken.
Deflect because their needs, concerns or feelings were consistently deflected. (Unmet need = emotional safety, being heard and understood, and clear communication)
Gaslight because they were consistently gaslighted or witnessed it. (Unmet need = emotional safety and clear communication)
Publicly humiliate because they were publicly humiliated or witnessed it. (Unmet need = protection and emotional safety)

Before I go further, I want to address those of you who may be having have strong reactions to some of the terms I am using when discussing the repeated behaviors of our President, Vice President, and the individuals surrounding them. While I understand your discomfort, I will not silence, sugarcoat, or minimize the truth, the objective data before us. This is no different than those times when I have had a couple in my office, and one partner begins to berate or gaslight the other partner, or get in their face. Or when I hear a mother justify, in the presence of their child, the abuse they put their child through because “she is a difficult (or selfish or out of control).” Consistently disrupting the abuse while it is occurring in front of me and naming the abusive behavior is not something I will back down from to make others more comfortable.

Wounded Children Playing Dress Up

What we witnessed yesterday was a group of men in suits, in the highest positions of power, struggling with intense amounts of shame, insecurity, fear, and anger. On our TV screens we saw adult men, but when we watch closely, listen intently, and acutely observe body language we can clearly see these men are operating as deeply wounded children or the adaptive child. These men are simply playing dress up, and finally taking the opportunity they have always longed for to publicly humiliate the admired, respected, revered world leader who represents everything these men never had but deeply longed for. If they can’t have it, they decimate it. And they do it publicly and brutally. They probably saw family members do the exact same thing. They publicly humiliate, because they were publicly humiliated – or they saw their parents be publicly humiliated, and have never forgotten it.

We can BOTH have deep compassion for President Trump and VP Vance and the conditions they grew up in (patriarchy, colonialism, imperialism) that have led to them believing the abusive behaviors they engage in are okay AND hold them accountable for engaging in abusive behavior as adults.
We can BOTH understand the abusive behaviors these men engage in repeatedly were modeled to them were victims of AND we commit to pointing out the reality that these men are now the perpetrators.

Like many of us, President Trump and VP Vance are individuals who have developed elaborate systems to cover their wounding and suffering. Their armor looks exactly like traits our society values and adores. Wealth, prestige, education, pride, productivity, accomplishment. Like many of us, these men were never given the opportunity to voice their pain. The lifelong ache from not being heard or loved unconditionally, or from feeling intense fear and shame. Our patriarchal families wouldn’t allow it and our patriarchal society simply doesn’t allow it. And we can’t talk about it. To discuss what we experienced would be exposing our family secrets, and this is simply not okay. People who do this are shamed, shunned, ostracized, and labeled as the “identified patient.” In many ways, this was the role that President Zelensky took on Friday in the oval office. He wouldn’t sign onto the lies, the narrative that he was the “problem.” That he was “ungrateful” and “disrespectful.” That Putin (a perpetrator) was someone to be trusted. And he experienced the wrath that comes with pushing back in this kind of family system.

The Death of Community and Connection

In order for us to understand this oval office interaction and this point in our country, we need to take a hard look at some pretty complicated, centuries old systems. We need to be able to say the word patriarchy without grimacing. We need to become willing learn about the origins of patriarchy. We need to become willing to evaluate and understand all the ways patriarchy shows up in ourselves, our homes, our parenting, our relationships, our churches, our communities, and in our country. We then need to become willing to do the individual work of dismantling patriarchy in ourselves, our homes, our relationships, our parenting. When enough of us consistently commit to dismantling this system, we will see change. We are not powerless.

In her book All About Love: New Visions, Bell Hooks beautifully summarizes this complicated system of patriarchy. Hooks highlights the system that has taught us to shut down emotionally, and has created a seething unconscious anger we all feel for being forced to constrict into a smaller, more “pleasing” version of who we ALL authentically are. In this system, we subconsciously abandon some of the most beautiful aspects of who we are, including our deepest desires and longings. Parts of us have died, just like parts of our parents, grandparents, and great grandparents died long before their actual deaths. Part of this death lies in our individual and collective perpetual inability to speak the truth, listen to, and truly understand and connect to one another. Community and connection are dead and have been for a long, long time. Long before this administration.

“the wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings. The wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings, in order to attract and please others. When men and women punish each other for truth telling, we reinforce the notion that lies are better. To be loving we willingly hear the other’s truth, and most important, we affirm the value of truth telling. Lies may make people feel better, but they do not help them to know love.”

Applying Lipstick To Pain

These men in the oval office (and all the men we love or have loved – our brothers, partners, husbands, ex-husbands, fathers, grandfathers) plowed through their pain, suppressed it, acquired vast wealth, beautiful & numerous partners, advanced degrees from Ivy League institutions, and even published books discussing personal connections to the opioid crisis in one of the most vulnerable regions involved in this national epidemic. In our society, wealth and prestige equate to health and wellbeing; we were fooled and have been for generations. Pain and suffering will continue to spew like it did on Friday in the oval office.

We cannot change the people who have hurt us most in our lives, and we cannot change these men in the oval office. And we are not powerless. We can take responsibility for our own healing so we don’t perpetuate suffering and the patriarchal system. We can speak up about what we are seeing and how we are being impacted. We do not vent or spew. We do not have put our head in the sand. We do not model powerlessness to our children. We engage, interact, and connect thoughtfully and intelligently. We purposefully reach out to those we don’t see eye to eye with to seek commonalities, connect, and try to understand. We continue to engage in wise action through targeted and consistent boycotting, and holding our lawmakers accountable. We speak up strongly when we see bullying, abuse, and gaslighting.

As adults, and especially as parents, we have a responsibility to identify the wounds we must heal. If we do not do this work, we perpetuate cycles of abuse in our marriages, with our children, in our careers, and to ourselves. We perpetuate the patriarchy. We perpetuate the cycles of abuse even in the oval office. Even when we hold the two most powerful positions in our country. Even when dressed up in suits. And the individuals these men surround themselves with will cheer the abuse on.

Taking Wise Action By Returning To Our Longings

As illustrated in the oval office interaction, when we ignore or suppress our desires as a result of early life experiences, because of the family role we were assigned, or if our desires and longings simply went unmet by our attachment figures – they often come out in very dark and distorted ways. We explored this a few weeks ago in our discussion of the shadow. If we are told by those we love and trust that desires or longings (even if we didn’t act on them!) are sinful, evil, selfish, dangerous, or self absorbed, we will respond to this by simply shutting these longing parts of ourself down. Often, these parts remain buried for years until conditions are ripe for them part to emerge. When they re-emerge, we are often met with fear, shame, and confusion. It’s not like we are happily reunited with an old friend. If our parents could not provide meet our needs as children, we learn other ways to get these needs met. Often, the ways we learn to get these needs met backfire on us as we mature. What worked for us in our early life creates turmoil and chaos as we become adults.

Across our lifespan, longing and desire is consistent. It is primal. Wishing and wanting for something, someone, a feeling. The states of being we fantasize or daydream about. This is what we explore in Radical Acceptance Chapter Six: Awakening to the Source of Longing. In this chapter, Tara Brach offers a compassionate framework for understanding and relating to desire, guiding readers toward a more conscious and liberated relationship with their longings – even those longings we buried long ago.

“According to psychologist Abraham Maslow, our needs range in a hierarchy from basic biological drives to spiritual yearnings. We need security, food and sex; emotional recognition and bonding; mental engagement and creative activity; communion and self-realization. Meeting these needs of body, mind and spirit gives us satisfaction and pleasure; denying them leaves us feeling deprived, frustrated and incomplete. We seek out experiences that enable us to survive, thrive and be fulfilled. The catch is that no matter how gratifying any experience may be, it is bound to change”(Brach p.126)

Desire is human and primal; it is a survival mechanism. Desire gets distorted and hijacked when we constantly seek pleasure to escape the pain many of us feel from unmet needs and wounds; the dark data from our early in life. When our attachment figures cannot meet our human, healthy, and developmentally appropriate needs in childhood and adolescence, the environment becomes ripe for seeking to get our needs met as adults through external sources: wealth, positions of power, accomplishments, relationships, appearance, substances, etc.

Other Ways Our Relationship With Pleasure Gets Hijacked:

Desire is beautiful, it is human, and there is nothing wrong with it, but very early on we receive messages from our families, society, and religion that certain desires are “bad” or evil. Especially desires that are – for a variety of reasons – shrouded in shame, guilt, and secrecy. Some heavy hitters might be our desire for passion, sexual intimacy, power & prestige, wealth & security.
If there was a human need or desire that did not get met by attachment figures early on. For example, we all have a need and desire to be seen, acknowledged, and validated. Early in life, this need must be met by our attachment figures. This desire and need can be met in so many ways, but here are a few:
- When parents signal they are paying attention, verbalizing that they see their children doing or trying something. “Hey buddy, how is that book?” or “You playing _______________?” or “That looks like a good cookie.”
- It can be as simple as sitting with your children on the couch while they read or play a video game. Hang out and talk with them as they are brushing their teeth.
- When a kiddo gets home from school and want to share a paper they wrote, or a project they completed. The parent is there, present, noticing, asking specific questions, acknowledging their pride, or how hard they know their child worked.
- Simply makes eye contact with your child and smiling, making a simple loving gesture like touching their hair, or giving them a quick hug.
- When a parent knows their child so well, they simply look at them and know they are sick or feeling sad (angry, scared, etc) and take steps to investigate this. “Hey buddy, you seem tired – everything okay?” This is what we call attunement.
- If we had parents who were constantly distracted or preoccupied for any reason – ranging from ongoing marital conflicts, mental health issues, their own trauma, substance use, a sibling with medical needs – and this disrupted their ability to be present, pay attention, notice, or be attuned – even if we directly asked for their attention they simply could not do it.
If we grew up being told that doing anything for ourselves was “selfish” or “self serving” or we were called “ungrateful” if we expressed wanting something that we didn’t have – material or otherwise. Or we were called “ungrateful” for expressing sadness or jealously for not making a team, not having something our friends had, etc. (Cue oval office interaction noted above).
If we attempted to communicate to our parent they were not meeting a need of ours. A need that they, as parents, had a responsibility to meet. In return, the parent deflected, got angry, or even maybe even called the child or adolescent “disrespectful.” The deflection maybe came by referencing one of the ten commandments “honoring thy mother and father.”
If we were punished, shamed, or humiliating for meeting a human and developmentally appropriate desire. Some examples: a child who is punished for masturbating, having a crush, for reading a book that the parents felt was not in line with their religious beliefs, or for spending money on something they wanted like baseball cards or candy.

Mini Water Break: A Reminder To Parents About Self Compassion

All parents are distracted. You can’t see it, but I am raising my hand as a frequently distracted parent. What matters here is if parents are CONSISTENTLY unable to meet the need of the child because of some kind of ongoing, pretty significant issue or issues. So many parents have been reaching out to me, voicing concern they have “messed up” their kids when they recognize something in themselves I have written in the blog or in my social media posts. If you are unconditionally loving, not putting your emotional and physical wellbeing on your children, consistently present, and here is the big one: if you have the capacity to acknowledge when you have made a mistake, apologize, and do the work to not repeat the harm, you are doing a damn good job. Progress, not perfection. We are all human. It is absolutely critical for us, as parents, to model imperfection, self compassion, and grace to our children. If you are worried about repeating the same harm your parents did to you with your children, and are really struggling with this (I will also raise my hand because this is something I have very much struggled with – especially when my children were younger), the most courageous and impactful wise action you can take is try to get into therapy. Parenting can bring up a lot of deeply buried pain we have from early in our lives, and this is not something you need to try to do on your own. You are not alone!

Back to pleasure. For many of us, desire got so deeply hijacked, that – as adults – we either:

Consistently suppress our desires and feel deep guilt at the rare occasion we actually acknowledge and fulfill a desire or;
Consistently suppress our desires and feel deep anger and resentment at the deprivation we experience as a result;
Consistently suppress our desires, and develop elaborate ways of getting our desires and needs met but in ways that are often harmful to ourselves and others – and we are usually not even aware we are doing this.
Only fulfill our desires in secret, often resulting in a fragmented sense of self, and engaging in behaviors that are not in alignment with our personal value system. In this kind of a pattern there is almost aways a strong degree of self punishment, shame, and self hatred.

If you reading this and saying to yourself, “Well, isn’t that what substance use is? Someone who is just constantly fulfilling their desire to be drunk (or high)? The answer is no. Chronic substance use is not about experiencing pleasure. Chronic substance use is about the alleviation of pain. It is about numbing – usually tremendous amounts of suffering.

How do we develop a new relationship with pleasure?

We apply much of what we have learned so far regarding radical acceptance:

In reconnecting with our physical bodies, we are better able to notice desire as it arises. We observe heat, constriction of muscles, clenching of the jaw, etc. The more you become reacquainted with your physical body, you will notice and become more comfortable with the natural rhthyms and sensations related to specific emotions or desires.
When we notice desire, welcome it with mindfulness and compassion. We remind ourselves, no matter what – desire is not bad, it is natural.
Instead of resisting or being overwhelmed by our cravings or desires, we observe them with a clear and kind awareness.
We pause in a moment of intentional stillness. Way may enlist an assisted pause where we reach out to a trusted friend (similar to a sponsor in AA)? We do this to disrupt the automatic pursuit of desires. This pause creates space to reflect on some important questions.
Is this desire I am experiencing one I feel I need to act on? Does this particular desire aligns with my true wellbeing and values. Does acting on this desire fosters inner freedom and genuine fulfillment? Is there an underlying unmet need driving this desire? What are some ways to address this unmet need?

“The pull of desire is part of our survival equipment. It keeps us eating, having sex, going to work, doing what we do to thrive. Desire also motivates us to read books, listen to talks and explore spiritual practices that help us realize and inhabit loving awareness. The same life energy that leads to suffering also provides the fuel for profound awakening. Desire becomes a problem only when it takes over our sense of who we are” (Brach p.125).

A New Relationship

As we heal, we learn to welcome desire with mindfulness and compassion. This practice allows us to understand the underlying needs driving our desires and cravings and to address them more skillfully and wisely. By embracing our desires without attachment, we can transform them into opportunities for deeper self-understanding and connection. We see the beauty, humanity, and goodness in our desires and longings. We no longer shame, suppress, or hide. We do not let desire overtake or overwhelm us. We pause, we embrace, we reflect, and act (or don’t act) when we long, desire, or crave. We do not act or behave in ways that consciously cause harm to ourselves and others. We reintegrate, we welcome home all parts of who we are, and we do the work so we do not contribute to pain and suffering in our world, in our families, in our country, and to ourselves. This is where our responsibility lies.

For Healing This Week:

Examples of effective nonviolent resistance:

Cartoon Movement: https://www.cartoonmovement.com/collection/trump-versus-zelensky
US Army Chorus at the Governor’s Ball
Fr. William Hart McNichols icon of Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde.

Questions For Introspection:

What was I taught about desire and longing growing up in my family? Reminder: desire is not just about sex and sexuality. It can be about a lot of different things. Desire for freedom, agency, to be seen, heard, loved, wanted, valued, to feel powerful, strong, productive. To feel connected to and with. Here is a helpful list of desires.
How did my parents model the honoring of desires and longings?
Write down a list of desires I have or have had at various points in my life.
Do I have desires that confuse me? Or make me feel shame or embarrassment? Why do I think I feel shame or embarrassment about these desires? What would it be like to discuss these desires with a therapist or trusted friend, or even my partner? What are my biggest fears about discussing these things?
Are there desires that consume me or that have the capacity to overtake me? What does it feel like when I am in the midst of one of these experiences? Do I feel open or do I feel constricted? How comfortable is it for me to discuss this?
Are there desires I have never allowed myself to act on, or only act on them in secrecy? Why have I never allowed myself to act on these? Or why do I feel like these need to acted on only in secret? What would it be like to talk to someone about this? What are my fears about this?
Was I ever taught that certain desires were evil or shameful? How do I feel about the fact I was taught these were evil or shameful? Do I still believe this? Why or why not?
What do I think is important for me to teach or model for my children regarding desires and longing?
At least one this week, try to notice a desire, longing, or craving as it surfaces. When you notice the desire, try to follow the following:
- Notice your physical body. Do a brief body scan. Do you observe heat, nervousness, tension, excitement, increased heart rate? Where is the feeling centered in your body? Is this constriction, expansion?
- Welcome the sensations of desire with mindfulness and compassion. Try welcome with non judgement and openness and curiousity. We remind ourselves, no matter what – desire is not bad, it is natural.
- We pause in a moment of intentional stillness. Reflect on some important questions. Is this desire I am experiencing one I feel I need to act on? Does this particular desire aligns with my true wellbeing and values. Does acting on this desire fosters inner freedom and genuine fulfillment? Is there an underlying unmet need driving this desire? What are some ways to address this unmet need?
If my children asked if they could watch the exchange in the oval office would I feel okay with this? Why or why not? What words would I use to describe the interactions between Trump, Zelensky and Vance?

Ch.6: Radical Acceptance Pt. 5 – Desire & Longing