Chapter 1: Inauguration Day.

In the first several days after the 2024 election, I was traveling. Over four days I was in Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Idaho. In all of these locations I had taken Lyfts, and while riding in cars with these strangers, I did something I usually don’t do. I asked every single one of my drivers if they would be willing to discuss with me who they voted for. Every single one of them either voted for Trump or didn’t vote. Every single one of them was gracious enough to explain their rationale for voting for Trump or not voting. To be specific, four voted for Trump, and two did not vote. I realize this is not a massive sample size, but in the weeks that followed, additional conversations mirrored these first ones. Themes included general distrust of the government, believing Kamala Harris “never had a chance” & “did we really think that America was ready to elect a woman, let alone a Black woman? We still aren’t even paid equally!”, fears about the economy, jobs, and crime. Stories of debilitating medical conditions and battles with insurance companies. Tales of overdoses, multiple rehabilitation stints, and eventual deaths. Anger and resentment about being “abandoned” by the U.S. Government after serving in the military for decades. Generational trauma and loss, and feeling like Trump “Heard people like us. He doesn’t act like he is above us. He listens.” and “He is strong, he will protect us and our freedoms.” 

I walked away from these conversations with a new, somewhat disturbed perspective. Not about the Lyft drivers, but about myself. Was I living in a fantasy? How could I have been so blind? How can I be so shocked about this outcome? Over the next several weeks, I really reflected on these questions. And I made a decision to get very honest with myself. I was blind because I made a decision to be blind. I repeatedly chose to not engage in conversations with Trump supporters. I actually avoided them. I judged them. I “othered” them. I even talked shit about them to close friends. If I am being very honest, I saw myself as above Trump supporters. Without ever saying it out loud, I believed and behaved as if Harris supporters were “good” and Trump supporters were “bad.” I was acting & behaving in ways that were not “who I was” and I had been completely blind to it. It was only through dialoguing with my own therapist, reading some specific material, and getting very quiet (turning off social media, turning off news, meditating, journaling, not engaging in distracting behaviors) that I was really able to come to see that I had been completely blind to a PART of myself. 

This is where I have to tell you what I do for a living. I am a trauma therapist. I have been working in the behavioral health field for close to 17 years. And I am a mother to three young boys between the ages of 9-11. I am raising three boys, and constantly reminding them the importance of kindness, respect, communication, truly trying to understand another’s perspective. That they are not above anyone. Bullying is never okay. Certain words are never okay to use. The importance of speaking up if they witness aggression or bullying. 

In one part of my life, I was simply was not operating in the ways I was encouraging my own children and patients. That’s a tough pill to swallow.

In my work, I am constantly working with the individuals who have entrusted me to partner with them in their healing journey to help them to see and understand, from a very compassionate lens, PARTS of themselves they have developed in an attempt to survive, to stay alive, to avoid feeling deep anger, pain, sadness, and grief they have as a result of single incident traumas (PTSD) or complex/relational trauma (cPTSD). To begin to see how these PARTS have not only led to them feeling disconnected from themselves and others, but how it has caused others in their life pain. Learning how these PARTS have led them to not being able to genuinely feel happiness, excitement, and joy. How these PARTS have greatly reduced their quality of life. How these PARTS have disconnected them from their physical body and emotions. 

I am someone who believes that once an adult (not a child – we will discuss the massive damage generational parentification of children causes both individually and collectively in a future blog post) identifies a problematic pattern(s) or behavior(s) in oneself, it is our responsibility to then do the incredibly hard work necessary to not repeat the pattern or behavior so as to not continue cycles that inflict pain individually and collectively. Including causing harm to our own children – usually unconsciously.

Once I became conscious I was engaging in these behaviors and patterns, I got to work (and continue to do so) trying to understand where these behaviors came from (wound), healing the many root causes (repair), and committing to behaving in different ways, engaging in new patterns (healing). It’s not a linear process. Some days are better than others. It is the opposite of perfect. Uncomfortable doesn’t even come close to describing the journey. I did not do and don’t continue to do this healing alone. It involves working with some incredible healers, opening up and trusting others, getting vulnerable, lots of crying, reconnecting with my physical body, disrupting some very engrained beliefs about myself and others, consciously ceasing lifelong patterns of behavior, and committing to new ways of living and being. In my opinion it is the hardest kind of work.

Not shockingly, in taking a closer look at my behavior leading up to the election, many other layers of wounding began expose themselves. In the year leading up to the election, I had been in therapy for a lot family of origin issues that surfaced in ways I was not prepared for. At times, I joked with close friends and colleagues the past 16 months have been a “dark night of the soul” but I really did not open up much about what I was going through. Anyone who has gone through periods like this will tell you that these midlife phases (ages 30-60) of deep questioning are not even close to being a joke. I thought I had done some really important work in therapy throughout my life to that point, and I had – but there was a lot more I simply was not aware of. Some very deeply buried and subconscious wounds presented themselves. Whether I wanted them to or not. More and more opportunities to identify pockets of pain, anger, and loss. Looking at massive ruptures I experienced early in my life. Think drinking from a fire hydrant; the worst kind of heartbreaks, but over and over. More and more opportunities to get honest with myself. I had no choice by to move toward pain if I wanted to heal and grow. My therapist frequently heard me say, “I don’t like this” (meaning I don’t like therapy). “I want to be done with this” (meaning I want to be done with therapy).”When will this process be over?” (meaning when will I graduate from therapy and be magically cured?). These wise women loved me, nurtured me, and very honestly (but gently) told me (and continue to tell me) the process will go on for as long as it needed to. Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

Did I mention I am a therapist? Pretty damn humbling.

How many of us did exactly what I am describing above in the years, months leading up to this election? Put our head in the sand. Avoid conversations with Trump supporters? Judge them? Distract ourselves from the reality of the political environment. Create narratives that made ourselves feel better or not look at what was occurring in a realistic way? How many of us were not looking within ourselves?

Why did we do these things, and why did 77 million Americans vote for an individual who stands on a platform built on racism, misogyny, homophobia, control, bullying, and constant threats of violence? 

Because our nation is wounded, and has been for a very long time. Our nation is wounded because the majority of individuals living in this country are deeply wounded. Our parents are wounded, our great grandparents are wounded. Our siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins are wounded. We are in deep, deep pain and no one is talking about it. 

Your school administrators and teachers are in pain. Your medical provider is in pain. The Mom staying at home to take care of her children, manage the household and all that goes along with it is in pain. Politicians are in pain. CEOs are in pain. People working in the grocery store and gas station are in pain. Your pastor or priest is in pain. Your therapist is in pain. Your best friend is in pain. Your children’s baseball coach is in pain. Your aging parents are in pain, your siblings are in pain, your aunts, uncles, and cousins are in pain. We are in deep, deep pain and few people are talking about it.

Not talking about our pain, not talking about our emotions, not listening, not being willing to have difficult conversations, and an inability to get vulnerable is how we got here. We will stay here if we do not take an honest look at how we all contributed to our country getting to this point. 

Our country’s healing is dependent on each of us taking an honest look at ourselves, and where we come from. Our country’s healing is dependent on each of us making the decision to heal our own wounds. Some of us already know we are wounded and we are actively trying to heal. Some of us know we are wounded, and we have given up hope healing is possible. Some of us have no idea we are wounded, and we continue to spread pain in our wake. Some of us see others as wounded, but we haven’t taken a look within ourselves. 

Taking an honest look at ourselves and our families is an incredibly difficult undertaking. It is not for the faint of heart.  

Here is the purpose of this blog: 

1. Foster a safe, honest, and introspective discussion on the intersection of politics, government, and mental health. 
2. Assist readers in learning how to compassionately identify problematic behaviors and patterns they engage in that contribute – directly and indirectly – consciously and subconsciously – to the current political climate. 
3. Equip readers with tools and practices to heal root causes of problematic behaviors and patterns that contribute – directly and indirectly – consciously and subconsciously – to the current political climate. 
4. Equip readers to learn how to effectively communicate with individuals, including family members, who they do not see eye to eye with politically. How to have compassionate, respectful, and kind conversations in which we learn how to TRULY LISTEN and internalize, empathize where someone else is coming from. How to express some very difficult emotions we may have; learning how to be vulnerable. 
5. Simply help folks cope – in healthy ways – during an incredibly difficult period of time in our country and in our personal lives. 

The topics we will explore in this blog can be incredibly difficult and painful, and can only occur in an environment of safety. 

As part of my commitment to emotional safety in discussing some difficult topics, there are a few promises I make to my readers. I will also note here this blog is or EVERYONE. No matter where you lie on the political spectrum. It doesn’t matter where you are on the continuum of healing. All are welcome here. 

• I will not diagnose. 
• I will not be using examples from any of my patients.
• I will not bully.
• I will not “other.” 
• I will not blame. 
• I will actively seek commonalities. 
• I will not label. For example, I will not call someone a racist. I will say “___________  is  engaging in consistent racist behaviors” or “________________________ is exhibiting a PART that has the capacity to be emotionally abusive.”  
• I will avoid using extreme terms like “always” or “never.” 
• I will avoid approaching people or topics with a “black and white” or “good and bad” lens. 
• I will listen to understand. I will not ignore, stonewall, or engage in the silent treatment. 
• I will not make assumptions. 
• I will not vent or rant. 
• I commit to introspection. 
• I will look at situations, topics, and people from a systems perspective. 
• I will not respond to emails that are abusive, violent, or threatening in nature. 

Here are some things I will doing on this blog that might make folks feel some strong emotions. 

• I will be using the word patriarchy. 
• I will be using terms that I know make some people cringe like, inner child. We will be using this terms and similar ones on a regular basis.
• I will bringing up topics many people don’t feel comfortable talking about publicly, like perimenopause. And yes – there is a critical relationship between women’s (and men’s) physical health, mental health, and US politics and government. We need to talk about it more openly.
• I will be using words and terms like racism, sexism, homophobia, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and physical abuse. 
• I will talk a lot about developmentally appropriate behaviors in children, and how many of us grew up in homes where developmentally appropriate behaviors were punished either with physical abuse or by punishments like belittling, humiliation, denigration, scapegoating, threatening, invoking fear, or ridiculing. Let me be clear: I strongly believe that parents need to have healthy boundaries with children to foster safety, consistency, instill values, etc. We run into issues, however, when children are punished for being children. Long story short, consistent punishment of developmentally appropriate child behavior can lead to issues like: lower self-esteem, increased anxiety, feelings of insecurity, aggression, difficulty regulating emotions, a damaged parent-child relationship, and potential long-term mental health concerns.
• I will be very regularly referencing duality. Multiple things can be true at once. Both/And. 
• I will never engage in name calling. Including political and government figures. I will not say someone is racist, bad, abusive, etc. Labeling someone devalues them. No one is a label. They are a human. At their very core, their essence is good. The behaviors they adopt, the masks and personas they acquire, the patterns they engage in are a product of their environment – especially the environment they grew up in. Specifically they are a product of their parents. And their parents are products of their parents. And on and on. We exist in systems and families with long histories of trauma. Generational trauma.  If we don’t start acknowledging these truths, and doing our part to heal, nothing will change. In four years, we will be exactly in the same spot – or things could get much, much worse. 
• While certain behaviors come from wounded PARTS, this does not make these behaviors okay. I do not condone abusive, racist, misogynistic, etc. behaviors. Period. I do strive to understand these behaviors as symptoms of deep wounding, individual and systemic. 
• I may discuss my own lived experience, citing examples from my family of origin, personal life, etc. in ways that honor and respect the experience, privacy, and confidentiality of all involved.
• I will make mistakes. I may use a term incorrectly, etc. Please let me know if I do this, and I will correct my mistake. With that said, I have often used perfectionism as a way to avoid taking action. I need to write this, and I will do things imperfectly. I commit to never intentionally causing harm. 

Each week, I will release a new blog post. For the first month of this blog, I will be exploring the current political climate in the context of a term called “Radical Acceptance.” Radical acceptance essentially means acknowledging we are where we are right now. Trump is our president. No good comes from us continuing to deny this. We can’t change that reality, but we must acknowledge the deep fear and anger many of us have because of this reality. We need to allow ourselves to feel these emotions, and to nurture and apply compassion to ourselves versus suffering. Radical acceptance does not mean we idly stand by approving actions and behaviors that are deeply damaging and harmful. It does not mean we resign or we give in or give up. Radical acceptance is not toxic positivity. It is far from it.  Radical acceptance can call us to action in new and deeply impactful ways. 

The book I will be referencing in great detail in the next month is Dr. Tara Brach’s Radical Acceptance. https://a.co/d/ajWFGYD

At the end of each blog post I will pose some questions for you to consider. In pondering this questions, or simply reflecting on them, you are beginning to do the work of healing. 

I will also include information about activities I am engaging in that promote my own healing. This might including noting music, art, poetry, or books I am finding helping in my own work. 

Some weeks may include guest blog writers. 

I have a resources page where I include book & podcast suggestions by topic. 

Readers of this blog can submit questions or suggestions for topics to my professional email address at [email protected]. 

FOR HEALING THIS WEEK:

Currently listening to: The Head & The Heart

Currently reading: The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity and Love https://a.co/d/bsVpUtK and Gabor Mate’s The Myth of Normal https://a.co/d/89Fxljn.

Art I am loving: Ana Maria Colorado Castillo https://www.instagram.com/anacolorado27?igsh=czJjc3NsenB3NnV1

Questions to ponder:

1. How are you discussing Donald Trump with your children? What are the words you choose to use when discussing Donald Trump and the political climate?
2. Did you watch any part of the inauguration activities? What did you notice about your physical body or emotional state as you observed these events?
3. If I didn’t watch the inauguration activities, why? What was your rationale for this?
4. What have you noticed about your stress level, emotional state, sleep and eating patterns, physical activity, and consumption of social media in the past week?
5. Over the past week, have I been in engaging in any of the following behaviors? Isolation, avoidance of friends and family, cutting off people in conversations, defensiveness, silent treatment, or stonewalling?
6. How am I currently processing the various emotions I am experiencing about the political climate or difficult personal or professional issues I am currently facing? Am I allowing myself to feel difficult emotions or am I avoiding difficult emotions by distracting myself or avoiding by suppressing, staying busy, drinking, overexercising, overworking, etc?
7. In what ways have I engaged in meaningful connection with other individuals this week? Have opened up to anyone in a vulnerable way? Am I creating a safe space for others to open up to me?
8. What have I done to promote joy, fun, play, and creativity in my life in the past several weeks?