Family Roles & Politics

Family Roles are a concept central to Family Systems Theory, created by Dr. Murray Bowen in the 1950s. In family systems, each member has a unique role that contributes to the overall balance and harmony within the family. Individuals may take on multiple roles simultaneously depending on the situation at hand. In every family system, individuals often assume certain roles that help maintain the family’s equilibrium. A family’s equilibrium does not denote health but rather the normal homeostasis that has been mutually agreed upon. While these roles are natural, common, and often full of strength, they can become problematic when rigid and unchangeable.

What do family roles & politics have in common?

The American political system (political actors = political parties, law making bodies, political organizations, political media etc.) often mirror family systems. We see political actors taking on an assigned role, like an assigned role in a family. Many tactics seen in an unhealthy family system can also be found in politics. Some examples are 1) triangulation 2) scapegoating 3) gaslighting 4) defensiveness and 5) deflection.
Observing political actors through a family systems lens can assist us in identifying the roles political actors are playing, understand relational dynamics between the actors and various subsystems, clearly recognize tactics being employed, and the motivations behind said tactics. We can also use this information to better identify collective patterns and rhythms, accurately anticipate what is coming next, and respond intelligently.
Important note: the role someone played in their family of origin, especially if fixed or rigid, often translates to other areas of life as they grow or develop, especially professionally. If someone grew up in a family where triangulation, scapegoating, and gaslighting were regularly employed – it is common for this individual to employ this tactic as an adult if they have not done the work to address these kind of dynamics – either professionally or through other methods of processing, introspection, & healing.

Common family roles

The Scapegoat

Within a dysfunctional family, the scapegoat is cast aside and blamed for problems that may very well have nothing to do with them. Children who are scapegoated are often very aware of their role in the family and may feel rejected, unlovable, and isolated. In families with a parent or parents with narcissistic traits, the child who is the scapegoat and the golden child are often pitted against each other. This is known as splitting; it is yet another way to distract from the family’s primary issues. Examples of the scapegoat role:

A child who is often sick, seen as weak, or has a chronic condition
A defiant child who has been conditioned to understand that negative attention is better than no attention from their parent(s) or caregiver
May get into trouble in school, both academically and socially
May experience more and/or harsher abuse compared to other siblings or family members

In therapy, the scapegoat is typically the only one within the family who is able to be honest about the issues within the family that the other family members are denying or are unable to see. They may also be labeled as the identified patient and be sent to individual therapy, despite the core issue being family centered versus individually focused. Those in this role often experience difficulty connecting with others on a genuine level and may self-sabotage.

The Caretaker

The caretaker, otherwise known as the enabler or martyr, attempts to keep everyone within the family happy, even if it means denying the real issues at hand. Both children and adults can play this role, which ultimately denies the experience of dealing with the central issue, as the caretaker continues to pick up the pieces in order to prevent a meltdown, breakdown, or rock bottom experience. While this keeps the family “balanced” in an unhealthy way, it actually prevents the family from healing and moving forward in a healthy manner. Examples of the caretaker:

A parentified child stepping in when one or both parents are unable to due to addiction, mental health disorders, and/or chronic health conditions
An adult acting in a co-dependent manner and attempting to manage the family’s problem right away without allowing anyone else to deal with the negative consequences, even when at fault

Children who grow up in the caretaker role may be unconsciously drawn to partners who have issues with addiction, chronic conditions, and mental health disorders. They may struggle with self-esteem, anxiety, and depression as they continue to take on the issues of those around them. Keep in mind that the caretaker acts out of anxiety that the family will fall apart and they will subsequently be unsafe, alone, unlovable, rejected, etc. By acting to keep the family together, they are denying the family, as well as themselves, the experience of dealing with these core issues.

The Hero

The hero appears to be a high functioning, well-balanced individual who the family can point to as a solid example that backs up the family’s facade of doing well. The hero allows the family to continue perpetuating the notion that everything is fine, despite there being some serious issues going on within individuals, as well as the entire family system. The hero:

As a child may be parentified and take on the role of spouse when one of their parents is physically or emotionally unavailable
May feel immense pressure to carry the family’s appearance of success and achievement
May insert themselves to help resolve familial issues

As an adult, the hero may be drawn to relationships where their partner is emotionally unavailable. They may also throw themselves into work and experience difficulty with real intimacy.

The Mascot

In the family, the mascot uses humor and goofiness to distract from serious issues. They may feel immense pressure to step in when situations become tense and volatile. When they diffuse the situation successfully, this reinforces the pressure on them to continue to distract the family from their issues. The mascot:

Interrupts volatile situations with humor
Acts from a place of anxiety and trauma
May experience bouts of depression

As an adult, the mascot may feel drawn to intense and dysfunctional partnerships where they are able to step into their role to help diffuse conflict. They often continue their codependent role and are typically known to bend over backwards for others.

The Identified Patient

The identified patients (this is often someone who struggles with substane use) represents the culmination of the family’s issues. As the substance use, mental health, or other “problematic behavior” issue intensifies new family conflict arises that focuses mostly on the person with the substance use issue. This serves as a distraction from the family’s other core issues. The identified patient, in therapy, becomes the family’s new focus. Family members may rally to get help for this one individual and may not feel as if they have anything to do with their substance use, despite it developing within the dysfunctional familial environment. The identified patient:

May feel resistant to seeking treatment as their issues protect the family and themselves from dealing with deeper, core issues and may also bring a family together that was once more disconnected
May feel frustrated or angry that they are the only ones who “need” help within the family

Those who identify mostly with the “addict “identified patient” family role, may find themselves continuing to return to use (previously referred to as relapse) if previous issues haven’t been resolved, or wanting to use in times of distress, especially if they are in an unhealthy romantic relationship that feels triggering.

The Lost Child

The lost child attempts to blend into the background as much as possible to keep themselves safe and to avoid rocking the (sinking) boat. They may feel ignored, neglected, and scared to draw attention to themselves, especially in abusive households. Parents may use them, like the hero role, to exemplify how great the family is doing, since they aren’t causing any trouble. The lost child:

May be described as a loner
May have difficulty developing social skills and self-esteem

As an adult, the lost child may struggle with friendships and romantic relationships. They may prefer to be alone, as this can feel tied to their emotional and/or physical safety. In a therapy session, the lost child is often quiet, doesn’t speak up unless asked to, and may feel scared or nervous to share their observations.

The Golden Child

The golden child is often seen within families who have a parent or parents with narcissistic traits. The parent or caregiver with narcissistic traits often favors the golden child, who represents all that the parent loves within themselves. This child is excessively favored by a parent, receiving special treatment, praise, and often high expectations, essentially being seen as “perfect” and able to do no wrong, while other siblings may be treated less favorably; this can sometimes be a sign of underlying family dysfunction. The golden child:

Has difficulty differentiating and becoming their own self
May participate in the abuse of others within the household in order to protect themselves from their parent(s)
May experience abuse by the parent framed as “love”
May disobey as a child or adult in an attempt to individuate from their parent(s)

The Martyr

Refers to a family member who excessively sacrifices their own needs and well-being to prioritize the needs of others, often taking on a disproportionate amount of responsibility and presenting themselves as selflessly giving, sometimes to the point of neglecting their own health and happiness, often accompanied by a subtle expectation of gratitude or guilt-tripping when their sacrifices aren’t fully acknowledged. The Martyr often struggles with:

Excessive self-sacrifice, putting needs of others before their own, often to the point of neglecting their own well-being.
May subtly guilt-trip others by highlighting their sacrifices, implying that others owe them something.
Have difficulty saying no.
Struggle to set boundaries and often feels obligated to fulfill everyone else’s requests.
May seek appreciation or validation for their sacrifices, feeling unappreciated if not acknowledged.
Often believe they are the only one capable of handling certain responsibilities.

Identifying Roles & Relational Patterns in the Political Arena

Example: A political actor who is always on stage, presenting well – well clothed, polished & a physically healthy appearance. They presenting information in a colorful, positive light no matter what. Even when delivering difficult information. They effortlessly defend and support a main political actor (Mom or Dad) at all costs – to make sure they are presented in the best possible light. What family role does this resemble? How can this help us understand this individual in more humanistic terms? How does this role ensure the main political actor stays in a power position?
Example: When we see a political actor take the fall in the name of protecting the main political actor (Mom or Dad). Was this individual aware they were going to take the fall? Or were they in another role, and then assigned a new role (unknowingly) by the main political actor? What does this say about this individual in more humanistic terms? Try to recognize how the hero steps in and “gangs up” on the individual who took the fall.
Example: The political actor who is excessively and publicly favored by the main political actor (Mom and Dad). They can do no harm in the eyes of the main political actor (Mom and Dad), and often participate in harming others – directly or indirectly – so as to continue to gain favor from the main political actor. Try to recognize how this actor is isolated, has difficulty connecting with others, and is very much “on an island.”
Example: Individuals who surround the main political actor (Mom or Dad) and enable their behaviors merely by staying quiet. They do not challenge the main political actor in public or private. What does this say about this individual in more humanistic terms? Notice the physical behaviors & body language of these individuals when they are in close quarters to the main political actor. Do they seem like they are emotionally connected or emotionally shut down? What does they body language indicate? Pride? Love? Affection? Embarrassment? Shame? Resentment?

The Tactics

Triangulation

What is triangulation in family systems?

The involvement of a child in parental conflict as a means to defuse tension within the interparental subsystem, and generally includes parents’ pressure on children to become involved as well as children’s self-directed attempts to intervene. Triangulation can also include involving other siblings, close family friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. The use of triangles has also been found in the work of Salvador Minuchin and the “rigid triad,” as well as Jay Haley. In a narcissistic family system, a parent might triangulate their children to maintain control, deflect attention away from their own issues, and create a dynamic where the children are constantly competing for the parent’s approval, essentially pitting them against each other, all while maintaining an illusion of family harmony; this dynamic can be particularly damaging to the children’s emotional well-being and sense of self-worth.

Triangulation in politics . . .

Triangulation is everywhere in political systems, but the actors involved, and motivations for employing the tactic can vary.
Like in family systems, triangulation in politics is likely about maintaining control, deflect attention away the main political actor’s issues or deficiencies, and to create a dynamic where there is constant infighting. This is a smokescreen that distracts and creates divisions while maintaining the illusion of that the main political actor isn’t doing anything wrong. In this example, the main political actor partners with another political actor & these two gang up, target, or scapegoat a third actor. Actors in these political triangles can be an entire agency, media/various news organizations, or essentially any individual or group of people involved in politics directly or indirectly.
Triangulation can also be a tactic employed in attempts to dismantle power from the main political actor by creating infighting, chaos, and distrust. A beautiful illustration of this version of triangulation is found in this Time Magazine cover & story. In this example, Time Magazine is planting a story (and a cover) that brings Elon Musk significant attention. It will be interesting to see how other major political actors – especially the main political actor- respond to this. Will it illicit jealousy? Resentment? Pride? If yes, how will the various political actors respond behind the scenes and publicly? Will drawing attention to Musk deepen the connection between Musk and other political actors who put him in this role? Or will it cause a wedge?

Throwing a grenade, then quietly walking away . . .

The metaphor I often use with patients when discussing triangulation in families (and we can apply this to politics) is someone quietly throwing a grenade, and then walking away as if nothing happened, but watching the destruction of the explosion without ever admitting they threw the grenade, helping to clean up the wreckage, or tending to casualties. There is so much devastation happening, and everyone is left shell shocked – no one has the capacity to look up to see what actually happened – or who threw the grenade. So it happens again and again. Like a parent who drops a hurtful piece of gossip or misinformation to one child about another child, creating discord, deep misunderstanding, intense hurt, and even possibly estrangement between the two siblings. The betrayal is so great, that no one is looking at who planted the gossip. No one is looking at how dysfunctional and abusive it is for a parent to do something like this. And if you grew up in a family where this is the norm – where family members regularly gossiped or spread misinformation about one another – many wouldn’t even think to look at the parent as the root cause.

Scapegoating

What is scapegoating in family systems?

The process of directing one’s anger, frustration, and aggression onto others and targeting them as the source of one’s problems and misfortunes. In a family system, “scapegoating” refers to the unhealthy dynamic where one family member is consistently blamed for the family’s problems, allowing other members to deflect responsibility for their own actions and maintain a positive self-image, essentially making that individual the “scapegoat” who bears the brunt of the family’s negativity and dysfunction.

Scapegoating in politics . . .

When one political actor (or organization or community of people) consistently attacks another political actor (or organization or community of people) by blaming them for an issue. Most of the time the issue is complex and systemic in nature, and attacking one person or organization or this issue is not based in facts. By blaming a complex issue on one person or group of people, the individual who is scapegoating is avoiding their responsibility for their own actions, and they get to maintain a positive self image.

Example: Trump’s statement in the 2019 State of the Union Address: “Working-class Americans are left to pay the price for mass illegal migration . . . reduced jobs, lower wages, overburdened schools and hospitals, increased crime, and a depleted social safety net.”

Gaslighting

What is gaslighting in family systems?

Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth.

Gaslighting in politics . . .

Political actors who repeatedly use a narrative, explanation, or argument that is not based in facts. (I find myself wanting to define “facts” here. By facts I mean objective truths that have been verified by by evidence, research, data.)

There are so many examples of gaslighting in politics. One powerful example is the way that Richard Nixon gaslighted Martha Mitchell, the wife of Nixon’s General. Martha Mitchell went public with her knowledge of what occurred at Watergate and was integral in Nixon eventually stepping down. When Martha went public, Nixon targeted her, threatened her, and repeatedly painted her as someone who was “mentally ill.” Nixon firmly believed that Martha was to blame for him “getting caught.” He told British journalist David Frost in 1977, “I’m convinced if it hadn’t been for Martha—and God rest her soul, because she in her heart was a good person. She just had a mental and emotional problem that nobody knew about . . . If it hadn’t been for Martha, there’d have been no Watergate.” I highly recommend “Gaslit” – a 2022 TV mini-series about Martha Mitchell & her role in the Watergate scandal.

Here are some tips to identify gaslighting in politics from a September 2024 Washington Post Guest Column. Political actors who employ gaslighting often . . .

Tip #1: Sow confusion and doubt.
Tip #2: Deflect. Watch for actors that attempt to undermind the credibility of those questioning them.
Tip #3: Use jabs of shame, criticism, and conversation pivots. Pay attention to any kind of language that is dehumanizing, denigrating, or at all inciting violence.
Tip #4: Need to prove they are right. Watch out for actors who cannot actively listen to opposing points of view in a respectful manner, or who are arguing against factual information.
Tip #5: Are unwilling to take responsibility for their actions. Notice if a political actor causes you to question your own principles or your own reality.

Defensiveness

What is defensiveness in family systems?

Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. Often involves justifying of actions excessively and deflecting blame. Defensiveness hinders effective communication, and results in problems never being discussed openly and honestly, leading to lack of resolution, and perpetuation of unhealthy cycles in families.

Defensiveness in politics . . .

Anytime we see a political actor not taking responsibility for a mistake they made, or a decision they made that had a negative impact, or that was unpopular. Not taking responsibility includes justifying, not listening & arguing instead, rationalizing. Lacking in humility.

Deflection

What is deflection in family systems?

A coping mechanism where a family member diverts attention away from a sensitive or conflict-inducing topic by using humor, changing the subject, or making light of a situation, essentially avoiding confronting the real issue at hand, often to maintain a fragile family dynamic or protect themselves from emotional turmoil.

Deflection in politics . . .

When confronted about a topic, issue, or decision, the political actor makes a joke, brings up another topic (usually one that is somewhat scandalous or controversial, but it could also be popular or sexy), or points out a “mistake” someone else made so as to directly address the issue they were initially asked about. Deflection can also be proactive. For example, a political actor may “get out in front” of an issue or event that occurred that is stirring up a lot of criticism and tell a compelling story that frames the issue or event in a better light – shifting the narrative.

Examples:

When President Biden was confronted with the withdrawal and abandonment of Afghanistan, he spoke about how much he respects the American soldier and blamed his predecessors. This shifted the focus of how poorly the withdrawal was handled to how great the soldier is, and whether we should have been in Afghanistan in the first place.
Someone saying: “Donald Trump is a convicted felon.” The deflection statement is, “Yeah, but what about Hunter Biden’s laptop?” By deflecting the issue to Hunter Biden, the discussion of the merits of the convictions is deflected.

Questions for Introspection & Healing:

Reflect on the role you played in your own family of origin. Were the roles in the family rigid or flexible? How did this role contribute to the development of your behaviors, coping skills, personality, the profession you chose? How has this influenced your relationships?
How has the role you played in your family of origin impacted your political ideologies and leanings? Political behaviors, including being apolitical? How does your family of origin still impact your political ideology and behaviors consciously or subconsciously?
If you are a parent to young children, do you see roles forming in your family home? Do the roles seem to be fixed or rigid? If yes, what does this tell you? Do you feel comfortable speaking to your partner about these observations?
Was triangulation a tactic employed in your family of origin? Who was usually involved? Were you ever pitted against your siblings? How did this impact your relationship with your siblings as a child, and now as an adult. Have you ever talked about this with your siblings?
If your parent “partnered” with you – sought you out and got you to believe someone about another family member, and then you and your parent ganged up an another family member . . . do you remember how it felt to be “chosen” by your parent? Like you were seen, special, or better than your sibling or other family member? At the time, did it feel uncomfortable to gang up on a sibling or family member, or was this something that seemed “normal?”
If triangulation is something that occurred in your family of origin, do you know or get a sense if this was a tactic that was employed in your parent’s family of origin? In your parents family of origin are siblings estranged, or are siblings suspicious or guarded with one another?
How did defensiveness, deflection, gaslighting, and scapegoating show up in your family of origin? In what ways do you find yourself getting defensive, deflecting, gaslighting, or scapegoating. Try to identify patterns. Do you employ these tactics without even really knowing you are doing it? Do you employ these tactics only with certain people or groups of people? Do you employ these tactics when tired, stressed, overwhelmed, feel threatened or exposed?
What has it been like for you to be on the receiving end of triangulation, defensiveness, deflection, gaslighting, or scapegoating. How has it impacted you emotionally and physically? How has it impacted your sense of self? Your view of the world?