Where unhealed wounds may exist.
This list is not exhaustive. There are thousands more that could be added to this. In fact, if readers are comfortable sharing experiences they would like me to add – you can email me and I will add them to the list (while maintaining your privacy).
I use the term “parent” in this list, but parent essentially means primary attachment figure. If your grandparents were raising you, they were the primary attachment figures. Please note that this list is descriptive at times, and therefore may be triggering for some folks. Proceed with caution.
Before I go further, a quick word on a term that has become popular on social media more recently because I am confident this will come up as people are reading my posts. This term or phrase is parent blaming. Parent blaming is the act of blaming parents for their children’s problems, or their adult children’s problems, without look at circumstances in a larger context. Blaming parents without considering their parent’s own lived experiences with their own parents, trauma, generational trauma, etc without taking responsibility for their their own healing and behaviors.
Completing this exercise, or just simply reviewing this list, is not parent blaming. Please take a look at my resource page on this topic for more information. These exercises are here to help adults begin to recognize areas where healing might be beneficial. These exercises are here to help folks move out of the problem and towards solutions and healing so as to not perpetuate cycles of suffering. Making the choice to heal is taking responsibility.
How you can use this list?
You can simply read and make a mental note if you experienced one or more of these. Or you can print this off, highlight the ones you have experienced. It might be a really helpful to bring this list into your therapist – if you see one – for further discussion around this. Consider completing this list with a trusted fried or groups of friends, or your partner or spouse.
Having experienced one or more of these does not mean anything. It doesn’t mean you have a specific diagnosis or you are doomed.
I really just encourage you to be curious; be willing to explore how these experiences may have impacted you as a child or adolescent, and in what ways is it still impacting you as an adult? Have I held on to any beliefs that likely originated with one or more of these experiences? If you are a parent now, does your children’s behavior ever surface memories of these experiences? What is that like in the moment? Do you feel an emotion or physical body sensation around it? Do you talk about it with your partner or friend?
In the family home growing up, did I experience . . .
- Being physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally abused by one of both parents.
- Being physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally abused by a sibling.
- Being physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally abused by a family member, family friend, or babysitter.
- Having parents who pitted siblings against one another, who created tension and conflict among siblings.
- Having a parents who allowed siblings to physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally abuse one another.
- Growing up in poverty.
- Living in a family system in which there were identified “roles.” For example, one child was the “scapegoat” or the “identified patient”, one child was the “golden child”, one child was the “mascot” and so on. (We will spend an entire blog post on this.)
- Witnessing physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse. For example, seeing your father physically attack your mother or another sibling.
- Witnessing heated arguments between parents. Please note that arguing and disagreements can occur in very healthy ways. In this example, however, I mean screaming, yelling, hitting or throwing things, possible physical abuse, etc.
- Hearing adult conversations or arguments in which parents discussed adult topics like divorce, their sex life, financial concerns, etc.
- Having a parent with anger and rage issues.
- Having parents who insisted you gave money you earned to the family.
- Having parents who stole money from you.
- Being told you were financially responsible, in anyway, for the family.
- Having parents who made you wear clothes you were not comfortable wearing.
- Being treated as a parent’s therapist or confidant. Examples might look like a parent “unloading” on you about issues in their marriage, their sex life, their own personal history of trauma, financial concerns, etc.
- Having a parent who made you feel responsible for their emotional wellbeing. Making statements like “you made me cry”, “you made me this way”, or “why are you doing this to me?”
- Having a parent who punished by withdrawing emotionally (going into their bedroom and locking their door for hours), not paying attention to you, acting like you weren’t there, talking about you like you weren’t there, or employing the silent treatment.
- Being expected to act like a “little adult.”
- Having a parent abruptly lose their job.
- Having parents who never admitted they were wrong, made a mistake, or hurt you.
- Having a parent experience a major medical issue like cancer, heart attack, stroke, etc.
- Not having enough food to eat.
- Not receiving medical or dental care.
- Not having stable or safe or consistent housing.
- Not being able to get to school due to transportation or other issues.
- Being left home alone at an early age.
- Being allowed to watch or listen to content that is not age appropriate.
- Having a sibling that had a major medical issue or significant cognitive or intellectual impairments.
- Having a parent with an undiagnosed, untreated mental health or substance use issue.
- Having a sibling with an undiagnosed, untreated mental health or substance use issue.
- Having parents who did not express their emotions. Or only expressed a small range of emotions like anger, sadness, or rage.
- Being called names by a parent. Examples are things like being called fat, lazy, sinner, gay, stupid, dumb, selfish, self centered, sexually promiscuous (whore, slut, etc.), “you act like a girl”, etc.
- Having a parent that either turned a blind eye to abuse occurring in the home, or participated in the abuse.
- Living in a single parent household in which the parent had to work a lot to maintain the household, pay bills, etc. and was not able to be fully physically present, or was bogged down by stress, etc. and therefore struggled in being attuned to her children’s needs.
- Having a parent who was largely absent and did not pay attention to you unless you were experiencing success.
- Having a parents who withdrew love and affection when you “made a mistake”, didn’t get a good grade at school, didn’t perform up to their standards in sports, etc.
- Having a parent or parents who did not show physical affection & nurturing. For example, hugs, sitting close to you on a couch reading a book, rubbing your hair, etc.
- Having a parent who was not emotionally attuned to you. They were not able to pick up your physical and emotional presentation and identify you might be sad, experiencing some hard emotions, stressed, afraid, physically sick, etc.
- Having parents who did not address our changing bodies. For example, not talking about menstruation, growing breasts, changing penises, pubic hair, shaving faces, shaving legs, hygiene, deodorant.
- Having parents who did not talk with us about sex and sexuality in developmentally appropriate ways.
- Having parents who spoke about the opposite sex is disparaging ways.
- Having parents who spoke about individuals who were other races, religions, or sexual orientations in disparaging ways.
- Having parents who taught us (usually not in words, but in behaviors) that our worth and value was based on how we behaved, what we accomplished, or our physical appearance.
- Having parents who shared private, sensitive information about us with other family members, family friends, etc.
- Having parents that made fun of us privately or publicly.
- Having a parent who told us we were bad, sinful, or going to hell for any reason.
- Having a parent who shamed you for things you loved or enjoyed.
- Having a parent who shamed or belittled you for wetting the bed, etc.
- Having a parent who made disparaging comments about your physical appearance.
- Having a parent who forced you to exercise.
- Having a parent who had two versions of themselves. In public, they may have appeared fun, charismatic, friendly, etc. Our friends may have said “you have the best Mom” or “your Dad has the best laugh!” but at home, they were often mean, emotionally unpredictable, shaming, or were withdrawn and detached.
- Having a parent who was incarcerated for any reason.
At school/ community activities/ sports / places of worship . . .
- Was I bullied?
- Was I called names?
- Did I bully others?
- Was I labeled in anyway? Was I called a “trouble maker”, “bad listener,” or “not working up to potential?”
- Did I get help and assistance if I was struggling in school?
- Did I experience moments of public humiliation?
- Death of a peer?
- Violence at school, places of worship, sports, etc?
- Threats of violence at school, places of worship, sports, etc.
- Was I emotionally, physically, verbally, or sexually abused by anyone who was in a position of power over me? Examples: coach, teacher, therapist, activities leader, spiritual leader, babysitter, etc. If yes, did I feel safe telling anyone, and did I get the support and nurturing I needed in the aftermath of this?
Outside of our family of origin, at any point in your life, have you experienced . . .
- Divorce
- Infidelity
- Loss of a job
- Loss of a career
- Illness or medical event that significantly impacted my quality of life (cancer, heart disease, multiple sclerosis, stroke, etc)
- Illness or medical condition that significantly impacted quality of life of my romantic partner.
- Chronic physical pain of any kind
- Loss a very close relationship (friend, romantic, etc.)
- Betrayal by a friend, friend member, romantic partner.
- Sexual assault.
- Public humiliation
- Loss of a pregnancy
- Death of a child
- Severe medical illness of a child
- Child struggling with mental health or substance use issues.
- Child being bullied, mistreated.
- Child experienced physical, emotional, sexual, verbal abuse.
- Death of a close friend or family member.
- Car accident
- Natural disasters
- Military related trauma
- Workplace sexual harassment, discrimination, or bullying.
- Racial discrimination.
- Discrimination based on race, gender, sexual orientation, etc.
- Poverty
- Periods of being unhoused.
- Unemployment
- Physical or sexual assault.
- Physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal abuse by a romantic partner.
- Incarceration.
- Mental health issues.
- Problematic or compulsive substance use, exercise, gambling, sexual behaviors, technology use, spending.
- Restricting food, binging and purging, over exercise.
- Infertility.
- Lack of access to healthcare, including dental and speciality care
- Absence of health insurance.
- Lack of access to transportation.
- Hunger.
For first responders . . .
- Exposure to life-threatening situations
- Witnessing severe injuries.
- Witnessing fatalities.
- Witnessing violent crimes.
- Witnessing accidents.
- Witnessing natural disasters.
- Communicating with distressed victims and family members.
- Managing chaotic emergency, crisis situations.
- Fear of exposure – or exposure – to various diseases.
For medical & behavioral health professionals . . .
- Witnessing sudden patient deaths.
- Experiencing violence or aggression from patients.
- Dealing with traumatic injuries.
- Experiencing moral injury from difficult medical decisions.
- Exposure to child abuse cases.
- Cumulative stress of dealing with severe illness and suffering on a regular basis.
- Managing chaotic emergency, crisis situations.
- Fear of exposure – or exposure- to various diseases.
- Having a patient die by suicide.