Chapter 2: Radical Acceptance Part 1.

“We don’t want to suffer or cause suffering.” – Tara Brach

This post is based off the Introduction, Prologue, Chapter 1, and parts of Chapter 2 from Dr. Tara Brach’s book Radical Acceptance.

What is radical acceptance?

There are varying definitions. In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) an evidence based therapeutic approach for a variety of mental health conditions, radical acceptance is defined by it’s founder Marsha Linehan as “letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.” Some DBT practitioners apply a more specific 10 step based approach to DBT. While I believe all forms of radical acceptance are incredibly powerful, my personal and philosophical orientation matches more with the definition and approach laid out by Dr. Brach. According to Dr. Brach, Radical Acceptance has two important components.

1. Seeing clearly (mindfulness): recognizing exactly what is happening in the present moment (in our minds, bodies) without judgement. 

2. Holding our experience with compassion: “Our capacity to relate (to ourselves and others) in a tender and sympathetic way to what we perceive. Instead of resisting our feelings of fear and grief, we embrace our pain with the kindness of a mother holding her child” (Brach, p.26). 

Here is how it looked for me to try to apply radical acceptance when I saw a news headline earlier this week.

Here is the headline:

I want to acknowledge, before illustrating how I applied radical acceptance upon seeing this headline, the very real truth that I am a white woman of privilege. Will I be directly impacted by the Trump administration putting federal diversity, equity, and inclusion staff on leave? Probably not. My reaction comes from concern I have about the possible implications the Trump administrations action has on our country has a whole, specifically those individuals, groups, communities who are marginalized, and who have been historically marginalized. My concern is also for my personal friends, colleagues, and patients who are marginalized because of their race, class, gender, sexual orientation, spiritual beliefs, etc. I am not concerned about being personally impacted. As a white woman of privilege I have built in protections those who are marginalized, and who have been marginalized for generations, simply do not.

1. Seeing clearly (mindfulness): I immediately recognized the emotions of anger and fear because I was clenching my jaw, and I get a tight feeling near my sternum I have learned are associated with these two emotions. I took a breath, I scanned (information on how to do a body scan is found on my resources page) my body further. I noticed intense grief and hopelessness – this is also usually related to a feeling I get in my chest. I felt like I wanted to cry. I noticed my mind starting to race, what Brach names as “plans or fantasies” (Brach, p.28). The terms I use when working with patients is “narratives” or “stories we tell ourselves.” Eckart Tolle refers to this as the “thinking mind”, individuals who practice Buddhism often use the term “monkey mind.” Here is a taste of the inner dialogue that occurred. “What is going to happen to all these employees? How will they support their families? Their pensions and insurance? Are we just going to pretend racism doesn’t exist? Is the term DEI going to be completely erased?  These people are monsters, they don’t have a conscious? (yes, I labeled here) What about all the initiatives they were working on? Most of these individuals are people of color. This is so f***ed up. This is just the beginning. People aren’t taking him seriously. Things are going to get really bad.” Honestly, the thoughts got a little darker – but I think you get the point. I proceeded to read the news story. More mind racing. Then I noticed myself beating myself up for saying those things about the individuals who are making these decisions about dismantling DEI. Then I beat myself up about allowing myself to get so upset. Then I took a breath. I remembered radical acceptance. More breath. 
2. Holding our experience with compassion: This is where I started to nurture. I want to note here that I was at work, and did all of this during a 10 minute break between patients. I made a cup of hot tea. I walked outside even though it was probably 15 degrees (yay for growing up in Minnesota). I held that cup of hot tea, mindfully smelled it, noticed the steam on my face, felt the warmth in my hands, and tasted the honey and lavender in it. I faced the sun. I put my hand over my heart, I took massive breaths in through my nose, attempting to access air from the very bottom of my stomach. I breathed in for 4 counts, hold it for 4 counts, then I slowly released for 4 counts through my mouth. This is the kind of dialogue I was saying to myself “Drop the narrative. Drop the story. Just allow yourself to feel these emotions. Allow your body react as it is. You feel scared, and for good reason. It’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to feel all of these emotions. My body response make sense. Just because I am feeling these emotions it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me. I am not in immediate danger. I am safe. I don’t know exactly how this will play out, but in this moment I am safe. So many people are scared right now. We are all connected. It’s human to have concern for all of these individuals losing their jobs, but there are people who love them who will support them through this. It’s human to have concern about what dismantling these initiatives symbolizes. It’s human to fear what is to come. I am worried about everyone, I care about their wellbeing. What is happening is still incredibly hard, unfair, and unjust. They are not alone. I am not alone. None of us are alone.” 

This is where the tough part comes in: having compassion for the individuals who are making some of these decisions. This is how it looked: “The people making these decisions are humans, and they believe they are making the right decision. Even if they are making these decisions which I believe will negatively impact so many, it doesn’t mean they are fundamentally bad people. They have likely learned a lot of their beliefs from their families, and maybe they have a lot of fears related to this topic for reasons I am not privy to. I don’t know them and I don’t know their story. They have hearts and souls, they have families. They are humans. We are all connected. AND I can still hold firm that I don’t believe what they are doing is okay in anyway and I will not stay quiet about it. I will not spew hatred or call them names, but I will not be silent about things I see as being harmful. I am not powerless.  I can reach out to friends and family who will be impacted by this decision directly or indirectly and check in on them. I can also (this is really hard) reach out to people who I know voted for Trump and try to understand their personal rationale for why they support the dismantling of DEI initiatives at the government level. 

Was this a perfect practice of radical acceptance? Absolutely not. Did it help? Tremendously. Did I have to employ this strategy about ten more times that day as each new headline came out? You bet. And then I turned off news alerts (I am still reading the news, but have made the decision to set aside specific blocks of time at the beginning and the end of the day rather vs. the approach I had been taking which is drinking from a firehose from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed).

Why do I think radical acceptance can help all of us navigate this period of time? Because we are all experiencing suffering or experiencing pain in varying degrees, with roots of this suffering being highly unique to our individual upbringings & life experiences. Most of us are suffering in silence. Many of us are suffering and we don’t even know it consciously. Radical Acceptance is an incredibly powerful tool that allows us to see our suffering (and the suffering of others) clearly without judgement. Learning to see our own suffering without the narratives about others and ourselves that are constantly running in our minds and hearts, leads us to seeing truths about where our suffering actually comes from.

As Dr. Brach points out, the word radical comes from the Latin root “radix” meaning going to the “root or origin” (Brach, p.39). We see clearly, we go to our roots, we excavate, and we are free to love ourselves and others in ways most of us didn’t know was possible. Radical acceptance teaches us a lifelong practice that turns suffering, no matter the roots, into an unconditional love for ourselves, others, “. . . seeing with an open, kind, and loving heart” (Brach, p.24). This kind of love & compassion – applied in the most difficult of circumstances – has the capacity to heal to us as individual, and has the capacity to heal us as a country – collectively.

I will take a moment here to mention, briefly, that applying radical acceptance does not mean that we:

• resign, give up.
• define ourselves by our limitations.
• put our heads in the sand, or withdrawal.
• self indulgence.
• passivity.
• we don’t simply ‘accept’ part of ourselves that have the capacity to cause harm. In other words, it is not an excuse for harmful behavior towards ourself, others, or the environment.

Dr. Brach goes into more detail on each of thees above points on pages 35-39. I will also go into more detail on these points in future posts.

Dr. Brach agrees we are suffering collectively, and explores the roots of this suffering as a nation. She points to the observation to the reality that western society is unique from other parts of the world our culture and norms are plagued by shame and self hatred. “Because so many of us grew up without a cohesive and nourishing sense of family, neighborhood, community or ‘tribe’, it is not surprising that we feel like outsiders, on our own and disconnected. We learn early in life that any affiliation – with family and friends, at school or in the workplace – requires proving that we are worth. We are under pressure to compete with each other, to get ahead, to stand out as intelligent, attractive, capable, powerful, wealthy. Someone is always keeping score” (Brach, p.9). 

What are the origins of this suffering, this separateness, this “trance of unworthiness?” Dr. Brach points to the story of Adam and Eve. “ . . . our culture’s guiding myth is the story of Adam and Eve’s exile from the Garden of Eden. We may forget its power because it seems so worn and familiar, but this story shapes and reflects the deep psyche of the West. The message of “original sin” is unequivocal: Because of our basically flawed nature, we do not deserve to be happy, loved by others, at ease with life. We are outcasts, and if we are to reenter the garden, we must redeem our sinful selves. We must overcome our flaws by controlling our bodies, controlling our emotions, controlling our natural surroundings, controlling other people. And we must strive tirelessly working, acquiring, consuming, achieving, emailing, overcommitting and rushing—in a never-ending quest to prove ourselves once and for a central this story has been – and continues to be in the West”(Brach, 10).

I stray a bit from Brach here, and I want to add that I believe that there are some other very important factors that have contributed to our culture’s collective suffering including, but not limited to: Generational trauma, generational parentification of children, and patriarchy. I realize this statement will send off alarm bells in some, and I completely understand this. I ask you from the bottom of my heart to remain curious to these ideas. You don’t have to like them at all, and you may strongly disagree with what I am saying. I honor and respect that. You have my word I will explain in more detail in later blog posts. For now, please reference the terms page for some introductory information and helpful links related to terms. 

Our culture has employed a variety of survival skills to manage the culture of separateness, “badness”, shame, self hatred. Most of these skills or “norms”,  have the appearance of us productivity, perfection, self improvement, but others look darker. Here are the ways our society has learned to manage the pain of inadequacy according to Dr. Brach: 

• We embark on one self improvement project after another. 
• We hold back and play it safe rather than risking failure. 
• We withdraw from our experience of the present moment. 
• We keep busy.
• We become our own worst critics. 
• We focus on other people’s faults (turning others into the enemy). 

Notice nowhere on this list includes introspection, identification, and processing of difficult experiences and emotions. Or really trying to understand why we don’t like (or even hate) ourselves or others. Or getting curious about why we still don’t feel at peace, we still are at war with ourselves even after we finally got that degree or job, finally lost that weight, finally saved that much money, or finally found a partner who loves us unconditionally.

Turning others into the enemy is the essence of our current political climate in the U.S. For the most part, Democrats and Republicans treat (via behaviors, actions, words) one another as enemies. Large groups of people in our country treat immigrants as the enemy. Large groups of Americans see treat people of color and individuals identifying as LGBTQIA + as the enemy. Large groups of Americans treat women who identify as “feminists” or who use the word “patriarchy” as the enemy. President Trump very commonly uses the phrase “Enemies of the people” or more recently “the enemies within.” AND Democrats also have taken to using this word on a regular basis the past several years.

Almost all of us have experience turning on ourselves, “beating ourselves up” – in this way we make ourselves the enemy. This is a painful place to be. It is also painful to understand that much of the anger we have at ourselves or at our parents or anyone else who has harmed us is projected onto others – almost always subconsciously. We are aren’t aware we are doing it, or that we have so much anger and pain inside. We must have compassion for ourselves as to why we are turning others into the enemy. We are labeling others as “bad” and turning them into enemies because we are incredibly afraid. “The greater the fear, the more intense the hostility. Our enemy becomes the parent who never respected us, the boss who is preventing us from being successful, a political group who is taking away our power or a nation that threatens our lives” (Brach, p. 15). We also turn on others because “creating an enemy imparts a sense of control – we feel superior, we feel right, we believe we are doing something about the problem. Directing anger at an enemy temporarily reduces our fear and vulnerability”(Brach, p.15). 

Dr. Brach is quick to not minimize the reality that what we often are experiencing or witnessing is genuinely terrifying. It’s not something we are imagining. I think about the Nazi gesture Elon Musk made earlier this week. His behavior is egregious. I will not minimize this. I am radically accepting how horrific such a gesture is. And I am choosing to apply the skill of radical acceptance, and will not respond with fear, reactivity, violence, or othering.  In full honesty, I have only been able to apply step one of radical acceptance here. Just the mindfulness component, and compassion for myself. In this way, I am not in a state of radical acceptance. I am halfway there. And I not beating myself up about it. I need time and space. Dr. Brach makes it abundantly clear that both parts of the radical acceptance – the clear thinking (mindfulness) AND the compassion need to both be applied in order to “liberate us from trance. They work together mutually reinforcing one another”(Brach, p. 26). I am going to work this weekend on really trying to figure out a way to have compassion for Elon Musk and the gesture he made. I have some general ideas of where I might need to go, but I am not there yet — I vow to get there, because I do truly want to understand – and I don’t want to create more suffering in myself or in others. “We can be a danger to ourselves, and others can harm us. Yet if we lash out with hatred and violence, if we make a war on ourselves or each other, we generate more fear, reactivity, and suffering. Freeing ourselves from this trance of fear and alienation becomes possible only as we respond to our vulnerability with a wise heart”(Brach, p.16). 

Did I mention practicing radical acceptance can be incredibly hard? The Musk example above is a great example of this. I am coming to see the practice of radical acceptance as a muscle that needs to be exercised. It takes daily practice, commitment, and there are some days we won’t want to do it. Days when it may seem easier to revert back to old ways of thinking, behaving, or reacting (including putting our heads in the sand) and days when we simply go back to these old behaviors. That is okay. This takes time and practice. Progress, not perfection.

In the closing part of Chapter One, Dr. Brach makes lays out some final, critical points.

Suffering or discontent is universal. All suffering or dissatisfaction arises from a mistaken understanding that we are a separate and distinct self. Separateness comes from biology. Science informs us that early, single celled creatures “had established barriers, definite, sustainable boundaries between them and the outside world” (Darling qtd. in Brach 17).  These earlier cells illustrate our most basic reflexes to “ . . .  Push away what is threatening and go towards what will enhance them”(Brach, p.17). Threatening = not the same as them = move away (other, enemy).  Not threatening = same = moving towards them. 

We must recognize that inclination towards some degree of separateness makes sense biologically so we could survive, but constantly moving towards people, things, beliefs that look, smell and act like us, and constantly moving away from people, things, and beliefs that do not look, smell, and act like us can create some very dark circumstances, like authoritarian regimes. This “othering” where we see others as bad, and we see ourselves as good – this breeds hostility and resentment, violence and hatred. Pressure mounts. Brach uses the terms “wanting” – moving toward what is the same or alike, and “fearing” – moving away from what is different, unlike us. When “wanting” and “fearing” take over . . . “we lose sight of the fullness of our being. We become identified, at best, only a sliver of our natural being – a sliver that perceives itself as incomplete, at risk and separate from the rest of the world”(Brach, p.18). In other words, we get cutoff from the true nature of who we are, which is inherently good, and the true nature of all those around us – each of us as individuals are inherently good at our core.

FOR HEALING THIS WEEK

Currently listening to: A playlist on ITunes called “Classical Bangers.” No joke.  

Still reading: The Will To Change: Men. Masculinity and Love by Bell Hooks.

Art I am loving: Fr. William Hart McNicols .

Self nurturing activity: warming up this guy in the microwave and falling asleep with it on my chest.

Bipartisan resource of the week: https://nicd.arizona.edu/blog/2020/08/18/history-of-bipartisanship/.

Historical political quote of the week: “The greatest challenge of the day is: how to bring about a revolution of the heart, a revolution which has to start with each one of us? Our problems stem from our acceptance of this filthy, rotten system.” – Dorothy Day

Questions/activities for introspection/healing: 

General: Take a look at pages focused on fostering instrospection: beliefs, possible sources of suffering, terms, and feelings/physical body sensations. 

1. Pick one policy, executive order, proposed legislation, etc. and experiment with the following introspection exercise. Be creative, do this with a friend, colleague, or family member (Yes! I am encouraging discussion of politics at work and family functions!! It feels so wrong, but it is so right.). Better yet, let me know how this goes by emailing me at [email protected]. OR do this exercise and post to social media and share widely, encourage others to practice the same exercise.

• Do I agree with this policy?

• If yes: How does it help me feel safe and secure. How does it support my beliefs or narrative? Why do I have this belief or narrative? Where does it come from? Have I thought about the reality that some people might be very scared about this action, policy? Have I thought about why they might be scared? What unmet need in myself does this policy meet? Even if I agree with this action, are there people I love and care about who may be negatively impacted by this in anyway? If yes, would I consider reaching out to them and asking what their experience is like or how they are doing? Asking them why they feel the way they feel, and ask if they would be willing to hear why I support this policy, why it is important to me? What emotions do I experience when I think a policy like this being enacted. Where do I feel it in my body?
• If no: What fear, negative belief does this invoke? Where does this fear come from? What do I need to do to feel safe accepting this is reality? Take a break form the reading the news or social media? Nurture? Take action? Write? Pray? Meditate? Get outside in nature? Reconnect with my breath and body? Have I thought about why some people might believe in this kind of policy? What unmet need in myself is this policy exposing? Negative belief? Even if I disagree with this action, are there people I love and care about in my life that might agree with this action? Have I considered reaching out to them and asking them why agree with such a policy and ask if they would be willing to hear why this policy invokes fear, etc in me? What emotions do I experience when I think a policy like this being enacted. Where do I feel it in my body?